Tuesday, October 05, 2010

Get Your Hate On

It's still going to be a couple of days before SoSG turns into the land of the free and the home of the Braves (at least temporarily), to coincide with the late start of the Giants-Braves NLDS. But let's get Drew Magary over at Deadspin to prime the pump for a tidal wave of liquid vitriol (hat tip, Josh S.):

San Francisco Giants (92-70, NL West Champs)

The Giants are the favorite team of Chris "Mad Dog" Russo, who spent decades on the radio in New York talking about what a big Giants fan he was, when no one in the tri-state area gave a shit about the Giants. Chris Russo is a horrible person who was born without descended testicles, and listening to him speak is like listening to a Jack Russell terrier that has a fucking lisp.

I don't know anyone who gives a shit about the Giants except for the ever-dwindling number of old and dying people who like to tell you that Willie Mays was the greatest five-tool player of all time. Since Bonds left, this team is about as interesting as watching a dick go limp. I don't think there are any actual Giants fans in San Francisco, a very dirty and overrated and smelly town with horrendous weather. I think there are people who occasionally go to Giants games in between chastising you for not eating food that's been locally sourced. If the Giants go to the World Series, no one will fucking care. They even played Anaheim in a seven-game Series a while back, with Bonds, and people STILL didn't give a shit. And people out there want you to believe that the Giants have some awesome rivalry with the Dodgers or something. Again, no one gives a shit. East Coast Bias is 100 percent for real and utterly justified because no one in the Central and Eastern time zones cares about two teams playing at 10 p.m. for the right to be crowned the best team in a state full of whiny, squash blossom-eating dipshits. [Sax's note: Hey now, Meg Whitman said she didn't know it was an illegal, undocumented zucchini. Shame on you.]

Brian P: Is it obvious to everyone else just how fucking terrible the Giants are at an individual level? The knobgobblers at ESPN would have you believe the Giants have fucking beautiful locker room chemistry when in reality they're the douchiest, laziest fucks on the planet. It's like they all fucking agreed together to wear their uniforms as baggy as fucking possible in order to hide their hideous bitch-tits. I mean, seriously: Pablo Sandoval: fat fuck. Juan Uribe: fat fuck. It's absolutely insane that a major league baseball team has a 300-pound tit monster with frosted tips on his goatee playing shortstop.

Krista: The Crazy Crab was a mascot of the San Francisco Giants for the 1984 season. As opposed to other mascots, Crazy Crab was meant as an "anti-mascot", satirizing on the mascot craze that was going on at the time.

That is so fucking San Francisco: a goddamn hipster mascot.

Game 1 is only 54 short hours away, gents. And girls. And oysters.

44 comments:

MR. F said...

Hipster mascots. How lame.

Mr. Customer said...

Some one may have mentioned it at some point, but FUCK THE GIANTS!

rbnlaw said...

Novel concept, Mr. C, and I wholeheartedly concur.

FUCK THE FUCKING GIANTS AND THEIR CRAZY CRABS.

Or is that, fuck the Giants and get their crazy crabs?

Whatever.

MR. F said...

Crabs, oyster pubes. What a disgusting baseball team.

Josh S. said...

Don't forget that Mr. T prop beard that Brian Wilson is wearing.

HE DYES HIS EYEBROWS. FUCK HIM.

Paul said...

Fuck the east coast fat asses who sit around and watch players from the west coast and Latin America dominate the game and then pretend they are more important to baseball.

Oh and fuck the giants.

Hong Like a Chih Kuo said...

HATE! HATE! HATE! HATE! HATE! HATE! HATE!

MeanieBreanie said...

"Game 1 is only 54 short hours away, gents".

Sax, don't forget SoSG has a female contingent. I speak on behalf of my fellow SoSG sisters.

Pulling for another NL team seems so unnatural, even if it is against the Gnats. The feelings of sadness are only reinforced as Green Day's Boulevard of Broken Dreams plays in the background.

(cries)

Mr. LA Sports Fan said...

Look at these fucking hipster fans.

Spanky said...

"DO THE CLAW"

Steve Sax said...

@MB 1:48p: good point. Edited. Thanks!

Josh S. said...

I had a thought earlier:

While the Giants winning the World Series (shudder) would personally disgust me, would it also have the unexpected benefit of motivating the Dodgers to FINALLY become a WS-contending team again?

MR. F said...

Part of me thanks that the Dodgers are so wrapped up in their McCourtroom drama that it wouldn't really do much besides giving the hated ones their first Bay Area WS.

Mr. Customer said...

@Josh S

Poking my own eyes out MIGHT heighten my other senses, too. I'm probably not going to try it out.

Fred's Brim said...

To paraphrase the immortal Silky Johnson...
I hate you, Braves.
I hate you, Yankees.
I hate you, Reds.
I don't even know you, Rangers, but I hate your guts.
Giants, I hope all the bad things in life happen to you and nobody else but you.
Now, if you'll excuse me. I'm gonna go put water in Shane Victorino's mama's dish.

karina said...

I know this is not exactly a breakthrough idea but here it goes:

I HATE THE GIANTS

I don't like to curse but I need this to get out of my system,in the most edited and ladylike cursing: su madre los Gigantes :(

It outrages me they are in the playoffs and we don't

NicJ said...

CHINGA TU MADRE LOS GIGANTES!!!

PINCHE PUTOS!!

MeanieBreanie said...

Karina, any need to be subtle or ladylike goes out the window when expressing hate for the Giants.

Para los gigantes:
Inclínate hacia delante y tomar por el culo .

Mr. LA Sports Fan said...

For a minute, I swore it was Spanky who just swore in Spanish.

MeanieBreanie said...

His habits are rubbing off.

Mr. LA Sports Fan said...

I'm not used to seeing anyone post in caps lock other than myself and Spanky. It's very strange to see the shoe on the other foot.

MeanieBreanie said...

LASF -
The perils of being a half-breed. Here is the German version for my brothers and sisters of bavarian ancestry:

Um den Riesen: Bücken und nehmen es in den Arsch.

NicJ said...

well, the clippers are still terrible.

Mr. Customer said...

Hate for the Giants: The universal language.

Spanky said...

FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU
FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU
FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU
FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU
FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU
FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU
SQUID EATING CHARDONNAY
DRINKING GARLIC FRY SMELLING
SACKS OF SHIT I HOPE YOUR
FUCKING BRIDGE COLLAPSES
AND YOUR BAY GETS POLLUTED
WITH SEWAGE.
Y QUE TE LAVES LA NALGAS

Spanky said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Mr. Customer said...

@MB

All I can say now is:

Per i Giganti: Piegarsi e fanno scopare nel culo.

…which exhausts the languages in which I can competently swear.

Spanky said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Spanky said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
NicJ said...

watching the red sox 30 for 30.

Bill Simmons is annoying.

Mr. LA Sports Fan said...

Even in preseason in a meaningless game they suck.

Mr. Customer said...

What the hell, does blogger hate Spanky tonight, or what?

Mr. Customer said...

Isn't every game meaningless to the Clips?

NicJ said...

they are down by 30.

NicJ said...

i love when the espn fantasy projections and writeups come out. Its like Christmas.

Mr. LA Sports Fan said...

Meaning is subjective. It means something to the Clippers. It just doesn't mean much to anyone else.

Spanky said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Spanky said...

I think I liked the first one better.

Spanky said...

BTW, I liked the vibe in here today





(cries)

Mr. LA Sports Fan said...

I think I can sum up the new Plaschke piece without even reading it.

ARTE MORENO GOOD OWNER. ARTE MORENO CARE ABOUT TEAM. ARTE MORENO SPEND MONEY ON GOOD PLAYER. FRANK MCCOURT NOT SPEND MONEY. FRANK MCCOURT NO GOOD. ARTE MORENO GREATEST HUMAN BEING EVER. PLASCHKE ARTISTIC MEDIUM DYING. PLASCHKE SMASH!!!

Dusty Baker said...

hate Hate HATE!!!!

Ticketwood said...

I am the biggest baseball nut of the Giants so i really loved reading your article.I was glad i got my San Francisco Giants Tickets for the up coming baseball game for Giants Stadium.

MeanieBreanie said...

^FUCK YOU and the horse you rode in on buddy!

Mr. Customer said...

One order of knee cancer, coming up.