Wednesday, September 30, 2009

If the Playoffs Started Today...

SoSG readers (except Karina, bless her) have been a surly bunch recently — and understandably so. Losing five of eight to some of the worst teams in baseball in the last week of the regular season will do that to a team's fans.

With the Dodgers backing into the post-season like a garbage truck in reverse — beep, beep, beep — we offer a few predictions of what would happen if the playoffs started today at Dodger Stadium.

Feel free to add your own in the comments. It's therapeutic!

  • The Dodgers hit into three double plays — in the same inning.
  • Charles Steinberg orders "Don't Stop Believing" to be played between every inning. Latter part of game resembles They Shoot Horses, Don't They?
  • Special section on each stadium level reserved for fans in fetal position, brought to you by Kaiser Permanente.
  • Pre-game ceremony honoring Washington Generals. Ned Colletti eyes possible recruits.
  • Tradition of kids taking the field with Dodger players continues; this time, kids stay on field, Dodgers return to dugout.
  • Ray Maytorena hires Keystone Kops to patrol outfield pavilions. Their antics inspire the Dodgers to play better.
  • Fans get bored of beach balls, throw sand instead.
  • TV broadcast of game preempted for "Three Stooges" marathon. Or is it?
  • Pitching change sponsored by Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs.
  • Between-innings blooper reel on Diamond Vision is just a replay of the last inning.
  • A fan runs onto the field, is allowed to stay. Eventually gets bored, wanders off.
  • Dodger batters look at 81 consecutive strikes; express post-game frustration that a pitcher could keep throwing like that all game long.
  • Fans arrive early; Dodgers arrive late.

48 comments:

Fred's Brim said...

Fans grow unintentional playoff beards while waiting for team to get third out of inning

Mr. Customer said...

Left with nothing better to do, opposing outfield joins the wave.

Hmmm...

It's not working yet. Perhaps it's a delayed effect.

Fred's Brim said...

a confused Greg Norman wakes up feeling OK about things

QuadSevens said...

Fans bored of the game go looking for something better to watch and find The Beautiful Life on the CW. They watch one episode over and over and don't feel bad about it.

Mr. Customer said...

The "Don't Stop Believing" scenery-chewer stops believing.

QuadSevens said...

Every Dodger's at bat music is changed to "Lost Cause" by Beck.

Mr. Customer said...

Rick Honeycutt tries to convince the ceremonial first pitch thrower to stay on for a few innings.

QuadSevens said...

Ned Colletti signs a Peanut Vendor to a 3 year $45 million deal in the 2nd inning. Fans and critics believe it to be a good move.

Dusty Baker said...

Bullpen turned into carnival attraction featuring "Guess My Weight" booth with Jonathan Broxton.

Step right up and win some crap!

Fred's Brim said...

All-You-Can-Eat section concessions stock up on extra rotten tomatoes

QuadSevens said...

Disgusted with the play on the field, Nancy Bea starts to drink at the organ. She plays circus music anytime the Dodgers are in the field.

Dusty Baker said...

Nancy Bea tosses her music sheets in the air, takes the last swig off her jug of mescal, yells "I'm done with you underachieving shitbags!" and storms off.

Dusty Baker said...

Jesus christ Quad, that is freaking eerie! ALmost the same instant!

Fred's Brim said...

Frank McCourt opens a West Mannywood section, hoping to attract a more "happy" crowd

Fred's Brim said...

Dodgers trade for Milton Bradley

Josh S. said...

Manny finally breaks out and hits a three-run home run.

Unfortunately, it happens while the Phillies are up to bat.

QuadSevens said...

We're on the same wavelength Dusty. That is eerie.

Neeebs said...

Any truth to the rumor that the Dodgers started sucking when Dusty stopped using the Richie Rich Avatar and I dropped Spock for Richie?????

I'm just saying.

Time for a switch back.

Neeebs said...

OK, that should do it.

Now, if we can get DB to cooperate, I guarantee a win tonight.

Guarantee I said.

DB? You out there?

QuadSevens said...

Vin Scully takes a drink from Nancy Bea and begins to curse on the air about the Dodgers' horrible play. He knows he won't be fined because nobody's listening anyway.

Dusty Baker said...

Richie Rich says "kill Kill KILL!!!"

Fred's Brim said...

Yes!!
KILL, RICHIE, KILL!!!

QuadSevens said...

I'm loving all of these posts. This thread is exactly what I needed this morning. Very therapeutic!

LLCoolL said...

"Between-innings blooper reel on Diamond Vision is just a replay of the last inning." Awesome. Cue the Benny Hill music.

Josh S. said...

I think I need to switch out my avatar too since Ethier has gone 0 for a bazillion or whatever since I started with this one.

I don't have any of my other ones here though, so I have to remind myself to change it before game time.

rbnlaw said...

Dodgers are forced to drop the beloved "Kiss Cam" when several fans wait for the opportune moment to raise their asses in the air.

I realize that being off the threads for a couple of days may be a contributing factor to the Dodgers' recent slide, but I had nothing to do with Blake's hamstring problems.

Dusty Baker said...

Josh-

Since you changed your avatar, Ethier has exactly one more hit than Luke.

Dusty Baker said...

Instead of the ubiquitous marriage proposals between innings, fans actually start divorce proceedings, choreographed for the jumbotron complete with theme music and signage.

Josh S. said...

Desperate to reignite passion in the core fanbase, Frank moves the team to Oakland.

rbnlaw said...

Desperate to overcome the perceived "East Coast Bias" and to broaden his team's media appeal, McCourt changes the name of the team to the "New York Dodgers of Los Angeles."

The borough of Brooklyn was unavailable for comment.

fanerman said...

Ho-hum. I think we'll win today.

Dr. Geek said...

Orel leaves this blog to showcase his new blog: "Bros of Bill Buckner".

QuadSevens said...

Souvenir vendors stop selling Dodger Foam Fingers or hats and instead just hand out paper bags to fans.

Dusty Baker said...

And Quad, I heard that the remaining foam fingers will experience a design change; the index finger will no longer be the lone, raised finger, giving way to the more recently popular middle finger.

Fred's Brim said...

Before signing off from another Dodger loss, Vin Scully re-declares his love for his original favorite team, the Giants, and admits he's been cheering for them all along

Josh S. said...

I'm going to take a quick break from the proceedings here and throw out a wild prediction:

Rox and Phillies will go 0-5 in their final 5 games. Atlanta will go 5-0. ATL wins the East via the better record vs. PHI, making PHI the Wild Card.

You heard it here first.

Paul said...

Randy Wolf is put on the DL prior to Game 1 of the NLDS because of an injury to his hand after a lightsaber duel with a drunken Joe Beimel.

Paul said...

It is discovered by Joe Torre that Dodgers dogs are made out of PEOPLE!

Greg Bishop said...

"Yakety Sax" (the Benny Hill theme) is played over the PA every time an opposing player makes contact.

Dusty Baker said...

There once was a team named the Dodgers,
Whose poor play has turned us old codgers.
But it also begun
Some limericks fun
To forget we lost to the jolly rogers.

Greg Bishop said...

I swear I did not read the LLCool entry before posting that.

Josh S. said...

After a licensing snafu, Star Wars Night is canceled and replaced with Battlefield Earth Night.

Dr. Geek said...

Pete Wentz is again asked to throw out the first pitch

LLCoolL said...

At least you remembered the name of the song.

rbnlaw said...

"Randy Wolf is put on the DL prior to Game 1 of the NLDS because of an injury to his hand after a lightsaber duel with a drunken Joe Beimel."

That, sir, is genius.

Dusty Baker said...

This isn't in keeping with the topic of this thread, but is damned interesting:

DodertownUSA Tweet: "Dodgers have scored 767 runs and allowed an MLB low 599 runs for a differential of 168 runs, the largest in the Majors."

Dusty Baker said...

Sons of Steve Garvey find out that Steve Howe is their real dad.

Alejandro Peña said...

Dodgers inspire their fans to "don't stop believing" they might actualy blow a five game lead with six to play.