Thursday, January 25, 2007

Going, Going, SHALOM!

What do Mike Lieberthal, Hank Greenberg, Brian Bark, and my fourth grade teacher Rabbi Portal have in common? That’s right, they all play baseball! And they’re also part of that slim percentage of America that greenlights Big Momma’s House 2, makes early withdrawl from BofA punishable by lashing, and defends O.J. In fact, these Semitic warriors could be considered the cornerstones of America’s pastime. Where would the 1995 Braves have been without Brian “Kosher” Kowitz’s 10 games of .167 ball? Jason “Chaim Potok” Hirsh’s 6.04 ERA kept last year’s Rockies in the running right until the final gun. And Cincinnati’s still talking about the magic that Keith “Goychaser” Glauber’s gefilte fish (and 15 career relief innings) brought to the clubhouse. So what is the source of this remarkable Jewish talent, that dwarves sub-par athletes from the Dominican Republic and Puerto Rico? Is it the math skills? Overbearing mothers? Rejection of pork as an entrĂ©e?

To find the answer, one only has to look at the Dodgers one-time favorite Hebrew Hammerh Shawn Green. Mr. Green’s refusal to play on the opening night of Rosh Hashanah sent shockwaves through Chavez Ravine. Just as his decision to play on the second night of Rosh Hashanah sent shockwaves through Nate N’ Al’s Deli.

And if you look at his time with the Dodgers, his best and worst games seem to be taken straight out of the Torah:

Sept 30 – Oct 1, 2000 - While I, Delino Deshields, languished in synagogue, Shawn Green rings in the Jew new year (Rosh Hashanah) with a 1 for 9 performance over two games. As my Uncle DeIrving would say, “serves that bum right (swearing in Yiddish for next two minutes follows).” May 28, 2001 - Shavuot, aka Jewachella, celebrates both the harvest season and commemorates Moses getting the Fifteen (crash)… TEN Commandments. Shawn Green brings his own four commandments down from Mount Rockie, spanking Colorado with four hits, three RBIs, and a vegetarian latka. April 9, 2002 In honor of Yom Hashoah (the not-particularly-funny-to-write-about Holocuast Rememberance Day), Greenie single-handedly smites the S.F. Goliaths with 2 RBIs. 2004 At the beginning of his final season in Blue, Green eats his matzah and PASSES OVER many a pitch, going 4 for 23 during his exodus from a hitting. But on Yom Kippur, he atones for his sins (and a mediocre year) with a two run dinger.

So what does this all mean? Does G - D have a hand in the success and failures of all hischosen athletes? Maybe piano and bar mitzvah lessons interfered with little league time? Unti l we figure it out, this intrepid blogger will feel a little bit of pride every time Mike Lieberthal comes to bat, and will always be looking for another Sandy Koufax chachkee to give my father-in-law.

4 comments:

Orel said...

Yet another post mentioning Big Momma's House 2 and Sandy Koufax.

Rob said...

Johnny Cochran was a Jew?

Delino DeShields said...

OJ's other ten attorneys were. Alan Dershowitz was even on his team... and you can't get more Jewish than writing a book called CHUTZPAH. (And Cochran used to hang with Delino for Sukkot)

Steve Sax said...

Hey, if the yarmulke don't fit, you must acquit.