Wednesday, July 25, 2007

SOMMEIL POUR LE RUSSELL! (Or, Alyssa Milano Must Be Stopped)

Faithful Sons of Steve Garvey readers know that since the All-Star Break, Alyssa Milano has been linked to Dodger All-Star catcher Russell Martin. And this, my friends, is a very, very bad thing.

Consider the evidence: Including tonight's 2-1 loss to the Astros, our second-straight loss to a team 15 games below .500, Russell Martin's offensive statistics have fallen off the face of the earth:

Pre-Alyssa (4/2 - 7/8) Post-Alyssa (7/13 – 7/25)
G 89 12
AB 307 50
H 94 13
2B 20 3
3B 2 0
HR 11 0
RBI 60 6
BA .306 .260
OPS .866 .659

Look at that drop in batting average, now down by almost 50 points. Look at that OPS, now down by over two hundred points. With Russell Martin in the three slot, this means (a) fewer RBI for four-slot Jeff Kent; as well as (b) more opportunities for opponents to pitch to two-slot Juan Pierre (that's a joke, of course; they're pitching to Slappy no matter what).

Which is why it's time for SoSG to announce its newest campaign, SOMMEIL POUR LE RUSSELL! That's right, hot off the heels of our successful FREE JAMES LONEY campaign, SoSG is moving to a new campaign that aims to stop Martin from freefalling any further.

Look, we like Alyssa Milano. We like her blog. We like her clothing line. And we love the fact that she's a Dodger fan. So we're not necessarily saying the two of them should split up (even though we should add that when Milano was 22 years old, Martin was 12. Ewwww.). We're not asking Milano to curb her well-documented baseball-player-chasing ways. And we're not asking her to stop coming to the Dodger games (for Pete's sake, it's not like we're watching the frickin' hat shuffle between innings).

But is it too much for us to ask Alyssa to let Russell catch some shut-eye at night and rest up? Martin is arguably the most important cog of this team and we can't afford him any more tired than he already is. Go ahead and touch 'em all, Alyssa, just do it before 10pm at night, okay?

We need Russell Martin's bat back in the lineup, if we're going to have any shot at seeing the playoffs. SOMMEIL POUR LE RUSSELL!


Anonymous said...

I would say the bigger problem might be having your All-Star catcher dating your All-Star pitcher's ex..