One thing that is helping me get through the Dodgers' race to the bottom is thinking about hot chicks. And one sports debate that will always exist is which player has the hottest wife. From Marilyn Monroe to Brooke Shields to Eva Longoria, the discussion never goes out of style. But as usual, we at SoSG like to put our own spin on things. Thus is born the first annual Who's Least Worthy Award.
Here's the deal: I have no problem with David Beckham, Tiger Woods, or, um, Tito Ortiz having hot celebrity wives/girlfriends. These guys are the top dogs in their sport - they're supposed to hook up with the alpha females. But then there are the Brett Tomkos of the world. With a 2-9 record and a 5.56 ERA, unless Tomko spends his off-seasons brokering peace in the Middle East (successfully), he just doesn't seem to deserve a gal like Julia Schultz.
So it's time to decide which crappy-to-mediocre athlete is the least worthy of his hot wife. Here are the rules/criteria:
- While it's easy to make a snap judgment based on the hotness of the wife, the crappiness of the player must be given equal weight in the decision
- The athlete has to be currently active
- The wife has to have obtained some level of celebrity not related to being the athlete's wife (sorry Melissa Lima)
- To avoid systematic bias, current or former Dodgers are not included
Here are the candidates in random order:
1) Tim Hasselbeck, NY Giants QB (wife Elisabeth) - The perennial clipboard holder (not to be confused with Super Bowl brother Matt) has a career completion percentage of 53.7% and hasn't thrown a regular season pass since 2003. But apparently he did connect with his most important pass - the one he made at college sweetheart and The View co-host Elisabeth.
2) Casey Daigle, Arizona Diamondbacks Pitcher (wife Jennie Finch) - Daigle has only had two short stints in the majors, compiling a 2-3 record and a 6.46 ERA in 20 career games. Meanwhile, überhot wife Jennie has a 0.41 career ERA for the US National Softball team.
3) Tim Couch, Cleveland Browns QB (wife Heather Kozar) - Couch, the #1 overall pick in the 1999 draft, had 67 career Int's vs 64 TD's and was out of the NFL within 5 years (he only qualifies for this poll because he's now attempting a comeback). Heather, who was Playmate of the Month in Jan '98 (incidentally, one month before Julia Schultz), gets bonus points for temporarily leaving Couch for Cade McNown, an even bigger bust from that same 1999 draft. Compared to McNown's "career" (7 Int's vs 5 TD's, out of the league in 2 years), Couch looks like Peyton Manning.
4) Paul Hospenthal, physical therapist (wife Danica Patrick) - Ok, so he's not even an athlete, but that's part of the point. Am I the only person who wonders how this guy ended up with Danica Patrick? I'm sure he's a nice guy, but not only was he 40 when he married the then-23-year-old Patrick, but he looks like an old Mark Hendrickson with a concave chest.
5) Sean Avery, NY Rangers center (girlfriend Elisha Cuthbert) - Some might say that thusfar, Avery has had a decent if unspectacular NHL career. However, in a recent Hockey News poll of 283 NHL players, he was voted both the most hated and the most overrated player in the league. Let's see...so-so as a player + asshole as a person = hookup with unspeakably hot 24 starlet Elisha Cuthbert? There is no justice in this world.
6) Mirsad Turkcan, Milwaukee Bucks forward (wife Dina Dzankovic) - Who's Mirsad Turkcan, you ask? Exactly, I answer. The 1998 1st round pick has scored 29 points...in his career. 29 points doesn't quite eclipse Michael Jordan's career average per game, but it's somehow good enough to snag the Miss World contestant pictured below.
Those are your choices. By the way, all these guys are actually playing for 2nd place in the battle for the Least Worthy. The identity of the pro athlete who, to me, is indisputably the least worthy of his hot wife will be revealed in a future post (anyone care to wager a guess?).