Congratulations, Ray Maytorena—you've just been hired as the new VP of Security for the Dodgers. Undoubtedly you face a tall task in trying to make Dodger Stadium a safe but friendly environment. To assist you, SoSG recommends you focus your efforts on these groups of...undesirables:
1. Yahoos sitting behind home plate who wave to the camera while on their cell phone. "Hi honey! I just saw you two hours ago and I'm going to see you in another two hours, but I'm going to annoy millions of television viewers so I can say hi to you again! Game? What game?"
- Recommendation: Exterminate with extreme prejudice, preferably in mid-wave to deter copycats.
- Special exemption: Mary Hart.
2. Compulsive BlackBerry users. Welcome to Dodger Stadium. Note there is a game being played on the field in front of you. What's that, you can't look up because you have to return an e-mail from Bob in HR right now? Or the latest round of Bejeweled just can't wait? Then head back to the office, drone.
- Recommendation: Confiscation of mobile device; said device will spend the rest of the game affixed to an industrial magnet.
- Special exemption: Bloggers posting from the game. The public demands to know who won the hat shuffle, stat!
3. Beach ball boppers. "Here! Hit it heeerrrrre!" First of all, stop whining. Is that how you ask for everything? "Dinner! Give me dinnnnner!" Secondly, you like beach balls? Go to the beach. We have a few of those in L.A.
- Recommendation: Activate a Dodger Stadium Beach Ball Squad, specially empowered to confiscate and violently deflate beach balls inches from the faces of the whiniest beach ball boppers. Arm squad members with Tasers to quell resultant attempts at booing.
- Special exemption: Homemade inflatables that make a statement, like the blow-up pill bottle batted around the Left Field Pavilion when Barry Bonds was visiting Dodger Stadium.
4. Anyone starting or participating in The Wave. Nothing says we don't care like The Wave!
- Recommendation: Outfit suspect Wave-starters with magnetic pants and sleeves; trip seat magnet to prevent fans from rising from their seats to perform The Wave. Trip armrest magnet to prevent token "butts-down, hands-up" participation.
- Special exemption: When the Dodgers are winning by at least ten (10) runs, fans may celebrate with one (1) round of The Wave. Subsequent rounds will be quashed with aforementioned magnet technology.
5. Anyone starting or chanting "[insert object of ridicule] sucks!" Yo, why the hate? Just because the Dodgers rule doesn't mean everybody else sucks. Stay classy, L.A.
- Recommendation: Deafening air horns sound upon start of chant; if chant persists, air horns increase in volume. (Players will not notice, as they will be outfitted with earplugs.) Air horns will play at eardrum-shattering levels, if necessary.
- Special exemption: Manny Ramirez, if he doesn't re-sign with the Dodgers.
beach ball and Wave photos by Flickr user Malingering