Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Andruw Jones To Change Uniform Number to 143

After witnessing first-hand the carnage caused by the much-ballyhooed, lackluster-reality return of Andruw Jones from the DL, Dodgers coach Joe Torre has asked Jones to change his uniform number from 25 to 143, in order to better reflect his similarities to legendary pokemon monster Snorlax. As described in wikipedia [my emphasis in bold]:

Snorlax (カビゴン) is a gigantic Pokémon with a huge body somewhat in the shape of a bear. Snorlax has been said to weigh over 1/2 of a ton on the Pokémon cards, and has a face with pointed ears that resembles a cat. It has a large off-white colored belly, with the rest of its skin being either dark or bright blue.

Snorlax is a very lazy creature which sleeps almost constantly; one of the few reason it will wake up is to eat. Having an enormous appetite, it will devour almost anything, even moldy and rotten food....Snorlax usually appears to be in a deep slumber, and can only be woken at will or by the Poké-Flute. It is such a docile Pokémon that children use its large, expansive belly to jump on like a trampoline....

Their main role in the games has been as a roadblock.

Said Torre, "I know 143 is an unusual number in the baseball annals, but having a $36M player who is batting .166 late in July is pretty damn unusual, too. The later and later we got in the season, the more obvious it was that Jones was almost like a fictional cartoon--so we figured honoring Snorlax was the obvious choice.

"We tried to deflect criticism by putting Jones on the DL for a while, but his recent return to the lineup, highlighted by separate four-strikeout and five-strikeout nights, were so abysmally bad that even I haven't found a place to hide him in the lineup. And believe me, I've tried. And if I try and sit him, I've got that crazy GM barking at me on the phone, so I really don't have a choice but to have fun with it.

"In all seriousness," continued Torre, "the good news is that with Andruw's girth, we can find a way to fit all three digits on his uniform without any crowding issues. It looks perfectly normal on a jersey that size."

Solidifying Torre's decision was the Dodgers' game on Friday, when Jones committed his first error of the year in the first inning. Though the Dodgers came back to win 8-7 in the 11th inning, taking the opening game of the series, Jones' defensive misplay, coupled with an 0-for-2 performance, was the final straw for Torre.

"Look, he almost ruined by 68th birthday in the desert," Torre said, "letting that ball roll right through his legs and erasing our early 3-0 lead. I told Andruw, 'With the way you're swinging an ice-cold bat at the plate, you gotta catch them all!'"

Dodger owner Frank McCourt would not comment when asked to confirm rumors that he is asking Jones to pay for the extra fabric caused by the additional third digit. Vice President of Public Relations Josh Rawitch also would not comment when asked if the Dodgers were considering a "jiggle-tummy doll" promotion later in the season--giving fans hopes that Jones might be exiled before season's end.


Unknown said...

This would have made a sweet clue/answer to an off-day puzzle.

QuadSevens said...

Instead of getting a bobblehead, Andruw Jones should have a night in his honor sponsored by Krispy Kreme donuts. One dozen doughnuts to every fan in attendance. The catch is that you have to eat all 12 doughnuts before the end of the game or else you must pay for them as you exit the park.

Steve Sax said...

Lauro, I did indeed think of this as a puzzle...I just couldn't wait until the next available off-day where we don't have a puzzle already slotted (the SoSG editors have us all planned so far into the future, it's sick).