Thursday, February 07, 2013

MLB Fan Caveman Q&A: Thomas Roberts

Bar, left. Not Thomas, right.

Earlier this week we introduced you to Thomas Roberts (@BertsBall), who is in the running to become a finalist at the MLB Fan Cave.

But what of the man himself? you may be asking. Well, we dug deeper and got the scoop for this exclusive interview:

SoSG: Tell us a story that best illustrates your love for the Dodgers.

Thomas: Here’s a perfect story that illustrates how I love the Dodgers and stick with them through thick and thin. I was at the Hall of Fame 2 summers ago. This is the Mecca for any Baseball fan. It is holy ground. A pilgrimage that every fan of the game should make. Anyway, as I browsed the countless artifacts and exhibits, I was riding the ultimate high. Visiting the Hall of Fame was on my bucket list and I had just crossed it off.

Well near the end of the Hall, they have computer monitors that display the latest Baseball stories. After spending the entire afternoon immersed in the past of the game, I figured I’d glance at the huge screens and see what was going on in the present. It was then and there in the Hall of Fame that I read the most depressing news of my life. Plastered huge across the screen for all to see was “Dodgers file for Bankruptcy protection” with a picture of Frank and Jamie McCourt. I found out that the Dodgers were Frankrupt while I was in the Hall of Fame. The ultimate low.

It hit me hard. After such an incredible day drifting through the legends of the game, I found out that my beloved organization was in shambles. So did I take off my Dodger hat and throw it in the trash? No! I gritted my teeth and wore it proudly the next day in Philadelphia at the Phillies game and then in Baltimore at the Orioles game. Sure I got a ton of crap and heckling from other fans but none of that mattered. I had my colors on and I was going to wear them proudly, even if my colors were flat broke.

SoSG: You can star opposite Bar Refaeli in this commercial (above). Or you can get two tickets to Magic Johnson's luxury suite for any game at Dodger Stadium. Which do you choose and why?

Thomas: I take the two tickets and invite the Nerdy kid from that commercial to come to the game with me. Then I have him tell the tale of how he made out with Bar Refaeli and live vicariously through his story. It’s a win win situation where I get both options for the price of one. Check. Mate.

SoSG: Let's say, theoretically, that you are chosen to be in the MLB Fan Cave, and that it turns out one of your cohabitants happens be a Giants fan. Much like your lawnmowing neighbor, this person actually turns out to be pretty cool, and you guys end up forging a strong friendship rooted in a love of the game of baseball. Do you add arsenic or hemlock to his/her breakfast cereal?

Thomas: Absolutely Not! What’s wrong with you!? Arsenic and Hemlock would be too quick of a death. I want him to suffer. First I would lure him into a false sense of security where he thinks that our friendship is bigger than my hatred of the Giants (big mistake on his part) then I quietly slip Nyquil in his diet coke and invite him to watch “For Love of the Game” with me (the most boring Baseball movie ever made.)

After he drifts off into a deep slumber, I cover his entire body in Industrial strength Dodger Blue paint. That way his pores clog and he is unable to sweat. Slowly but surely the paint will suffocate him (like in Goldfinger) and not allow him to cool down when it’s really hot outside.

The last part of my plan involves taking him to a game at Wrigley field in July and sitting in the outfield bleachers where the temperatures can kill a small child. Not being able to sweat will cause him to suffer from heat stroke and it was all due to the paint that he couldn’t get off. He will have literally been killed by the Dodger Blue.

There you go! Three painfully honest answers from your MLB Fan Cave candidate.

Like what he had to say? Vote Thomas Roberts into the 2013 MLB Fan Cave here!

Want to hear in-depth answers from another candidate? Stay tuned!