Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Philadelphia Mob Scene Hastily Reworking Riot Plans

With Game 5 of the World Series suspended late last night due to an unabating rain, angry Philadelphia fans have been forced to channel their anger and rage for at least another 24 48 hours, as the game was suspended in the middle of the sixth inning with a 2-2 tie.

A Phillies win would clinch the World Series and bring the city its first major professional sporting title in 25 years. As such, Philadelphia mayor Michael Nutter appealed to riot planners to postpone their revelry until the game's outcome was complete.

"I know this is a difficult thing for which to ask, as looting always yields better goods when performed on a Monday night," said Nutter. "But this wait will allow rioters a chance to pick up the new Disney Tinker Bell DVD, which doesn't release until today (Tuesday October 28) in stores. So you see, there's upside from delaying one's plundering a day or so."

Riot planners, who had been busily preparing since the clinching the NL East title almost a month ago, were disappointed to have to defer their complicated schemes until later. "We've got looters, assaulters, vandalizers, and small mobs of just pissed off people all waiting on hold here, after practicing their carefully-sequenced routines for months," said riot planner Bill Armstrong. "And we've only got the car tippers for a small window of time. The car tippers are much more fresh and primed for action now, having just come off a successful ruckus in Detroit to celebrate the Shock's third WNBA title. I just hope we can fit them in before the Chase for the Cup ends."

Some business establishments, however, were looking forward to the extra 24-hour 48-hour respite before the inevitable downtown disorder. Fred Grimbsy, proprietor of the State Liquor Store on Broad Street, was looking at the bright side of incremental revenues. "This will give me time to move the remainder of my molotov cocktail supply," said Grimsby. "I generally don't like to keep these kind of items in stock due to their short shelf life, so this helps me clear out the last ones. I may even run a 'Buy Two Molotovs, Get Free Phanatic Bobblehead' promotion."

"And then I'm boarding up my windows," Grimsby added.

photo: Jim McIsaac / Getty Images