Tuesday, March 20, 2007

A Broken Heart in My Junk E-mail Box

How are you? My name is Alena. I from Russia, city Cheboksary. To me 28 years. I shall tell to you about myself a little.

Hi, Alena! My name is Orel. I from the States, city Los Angeles. GO BLUE! WHOO HOO! Oops, excuse me. Anyhoo, I see you hail from Chewbacca. He's one of my favorite pitchers of the baseball.

I corresponded with the man from the your country before. His name Mark. He is from your country. We had a long correspondence and Mark wanted, that I have arrived to him in the your country that I have seen what life there. We have together submitted the statement on reception of the visa in your country! Mark spoke, that will help my in our meeting. I thought, that have met on the Internet the love.

Damn you, Mark! Bastard!

I, too, have thought, that have met on the Internet the love. Namely here and here. But Tom Brady impregnated them first.

I and Mark made the big plans for the future, but in a flash all has changed. From the moment of submission of the statement for the application of the visa has passed 5 months. For these five months there was for what I least waited. Mark informed, that his former wife has returned to him and lives together with him. Soon they should get married. And now in Mark plans there is no me. I wrote to him some times after that, but Mark have wished me only good luck in the further searches worthy men and have told, that our ways miss. And in October to me there has come the invitation in embassy behind reception of the visa.

Alana, baby, let me tell you a little about life. In life, the proper phrasing is "me and Mark." That'll learn ya to speak English like a real American girl.

Secondly, a little something about men. Sometimes when a man, let's call him Mark, is lonely, or when his wife, let's call her Mindy, isn't, ahem, "in the mood" (damn you, Mindy!), or it's "that time of month" (damn you, Mindy!), or maybe Mindy's on a "business trip" with a "certain male colleague" who's "taller" and "more handsome" than you—er, Mark—sometimes a man needs to reach out, via the wonders of broadband, and start shopping for a hot Russian wife. But sometimes Mindy comes rushing back to Mark because it turns out her co-worker is actually gay and was just using her to get a promotion. What I'm trying to say, Alanna, is people change, hairstyles change, interest rates fluctuate.

In the beginning I wanted to throw out the invitation in embassy. To me it was sad, because my dreams were failed, I have nobody to fly in the your country. But my uncle have dissuaded me from resolute actions and have told, that else there is a chance to find worthy the man and to use the visa to a meeting with him. I well know English and practically I have visa your country. My uncle speaks, that it really solves many problems.

Yes, you certainly do well know English.

Approximately in 7 days the visa will be ready, and I should go to Moscow behind reception of the visa. I write to you because in my heart there is an empty seat. I do not search rich or poor. I search careful and responsible man which wants to enjoy a life together. Is this person you? I think, that I ask not much. I have told to you a little about my life. I have told not all about myself, but it will be easier to me to write about myself if you will ask questions which interest you. I have told to you my history, and now I shall look forward to hearing from you with impatience. Write to me! I shall send you more photo in the following letter. I wait you answer. Alena.

"In my heart there is an empty seat." That brings tears to my eyes, Atlanta. It reminds me of another poet, one who said, "Get Outta My Dreams, Get Into My Car."

Hey! Hey! You! You! Get into my car!

In fact, Oleanna, you've inspired me....

I used to think that love was just a fairy tale
Until that first hello until that first smile
But if I had to do it all again I wouldn't change a thing
Cause this love is everlasting

Suddenly life has new meaning to me
There's beauty up above and things we never take notice of
You wake up suddenly you're in love

Girl you're everthing a man could want and more
One thousand words are not enough to say what I feel inside
Holding hands as we walk along the shore
Never felt like this before now you're all I'm living for

Each day I pray this love affair would last forever
There's beauty up above and things you never take notice of
You wake and suddenly you're in love

Excuse me, Olean...I need a moment (sniffle). If you ever make it to L.A., give me a call and I'll take you to a Dodger game.

vr, Orel


Anonymous said...

Dude... you've got WAY too much time on your hands! I feel the sorry for Russian sweet with name Olestra...

Orel said...

Can't talk. Preparing for arrival of new bride.

Steve Sax said...

Dude, I'm just reading this now. Is Nice.