Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Who's Least Worthy?: A Graphical Retrospective

In our first poll of the most undeserving cretins walking the Earth, Mirsad Turckan and Casey Daigle barely edged out Sean Avery for the least worthy honor. In our second such poll, Macaulay Culkin had the clear edge over Marko Jaric.

But does the scientific evidence support these results? Let's see.

First, let's establish the scale:

Along the X axis is a measure from 1-10 of the athlete's accomplishments on the field (except for Macaulay Culkin, for whom we substituted his accomplishments as an actor; and Paul Hospenthal, for whom we've just given a zero). Along the Y axis we've plotted his woman's hotness. We've tried our best to not let other factors such as their annoyingness (i.e., Kendra Wilkinson, Elisabeth Hasselbeck, and Danica Patrick) or their own athletic accomplishments (i.e., Jennie Finch and Danica) hurt or help them, respectively.

With the axes thusly established, it follows that as you move from the lower right to the upper left - i.e., as the gradient shade becomes darker - you enter increasingly unworthy territory. The very upper left corner would represent a guy with 0 athletic prowess hooking up with a perfect 10.

With that in mind, let's overlay our candidate couples:

(click image to enlarge)

So here's how this scientific approach breaks down each couple, in order of increasing unworthiness:

The Mildly Unworthy:

  • The Hasselbecks - she's not that hot and he's not that bad.
  • Hank Baskett/Kendra Wilkinson
  • Tim Couch/Heather Kozar - Although he was a #1 pick bust, he did hang around the NFL for like 5 years.
  • Paul Hospenthal/Danica Patrick - Though I know some disagree, she has the lowest hotness rating of all the women involved. Hey, don't argue with me - argue with science.

Truly Unworthy:

  • Jeff Garcia/Carmella DeCesare - In spite of Carmella's immense hotness, Jeff Garcia is probably the most accomplished athlete on the list. That saves him from climbing too high on the unworthy list.
  • Casey Daigle/Jennie Finch
  • Sean Avery/Elisha Cuthbert - Much like the Garcia/DeCesare coupling, Avery's relatively accomplished career is the only thing that makes (made) this pair tolerable. Actually, it was still intolerable.
  • Mirsad Turckan/Dzankovic - I'd never heard of either of them, but it took only a quick google followed by a quick google image to figure out that she's hot and he's not.

The Wretchedly Unworthy:

  • Macaulay Culkin/Mila Kunis - This is why the TIDU label exists.
  • Marko Jaric/Adriana Lima - Now they're married. Kill me now.

Ok. Now I can start my work day.


Orel said...

This is like a celebrity version of Hot Chicks with Douchebags, except with a graphical component. Excellent work.

Also, Culkin might deserve more x-axis love, as his movies have grossed over $700,000,000 in the U.S. alone.

Orel said...

Kendra Wilkinson is quite the Baskett catch.

Eric Karros said...

I admit I didn't realize Culkin's movies have grossed that much. But 2/3 of it came from his one Home Alone role, and in his next biggest film (Uncle Buck) he wasn't even the star.

On another note, given the amount of time I spend each day on HCwDB, I can't believe I didn't see the conceptual similarities.

Steve Sax said...

On the Culkin note, Samuel Jackson has claimed he has the largest cumulative box office revenue number of any film star. Any sense of whether that's true and/or verifiable?

Eric Karros said...

I don't know, Sam. I mean, Soul Men was pretty good and all, but according to this, you trail, among others, Harrison Ford, Tom Hanks, Eddie Murphy, Jim Carrey, and Tom Cruise.

Neeebs (The Original) said...

OK, I'm confused. Either I don't get it. Or I don't find this as amusing as most of your posts.

Wesley Vento said...

I can't believe, on a LA Dodger blog, that there is no mention of Brett Tomko being married to Julia Schultz, a confirmed super-hottie. Brett might have a little bit more athletic prowess over a Macauley Culkin, but its open to debate. When you suck at baseball as much as Tomko, you don't deserve to marry a chick like Schultz.

Is Kurt Warner's graph the exact opposite, given his athletic accomplishments vs the ugliness of his wife?

Steve Sax said...

Oh no, we have never mentioned Julia Schultz. Thanks for the headsup, HLICK (wow, that's a cool acronym)!

Steve Sax said...

whoops, sorry that should be HLACK

Eric Karros said...

HLACK - in the links to the original poll posts, you'll see that including a Dodger in the polls was against the rules (anti-bias rule).

And Neeebs, this post is 100% serious. Marko Jaric is married to Adriana Lima. I hate myself.

Neeebs (The Original) said...

EK, you are SO much more handsome than marko....I think.

Wesley Vento said...

Sorry fellas, those posts pre-date my SoSG readership. In a blind fit of jealousy I felt compelled to kick a Tomko when he was down.