In our first poll of the most undeserving cretins walking the Earth, Mirsad Turckan and Casey Daigle barely edged out Sean Avery for the least worthy honor. In our second such poll, Macaulay Culkin had the clear edge over Marko Jaric.
But does the scientific evidence support these results? Let's see.
First, let's establish the scale:
Along the X axis is a measure from 1-10 of the athlete's accomplishments on the field (except for Macaulay Culkin, for whom we substituted his accomplishments as an actor; and Paul Hospenthal, for whom we've just given a zero). Along the Y axis we've plotted his woman's hotness. We've tried our best to not let other factors such as their annoyingness (i.e., Kendra Wilkinson, Elisabeth Hasselbeck, and Danica Patrick) or their own athletic accomplishments (i.e., Jennie Finch and Danica) hurt or help them, respectively.
With the axes thusly established, it follows that as you move from the lower right to the upper left - i.e., as the gradient shade becomes darker - you enter increasingly unworthy territory. The very upper left corner would represent a guy with 0 athletic prowess hooking up with a perfect 10.
With that in mind, let's overlay our candidate couples:
So here's how this scientific approach breaks down each couple, in order of increasing unworthiness:
The Mildly Unworthy:
- The Hasselbecks - she's not that hot and he's not that bad.
- Hank Baskett/Kendra Wilkinson
- Tim Couch/Heather Kozar - Although he was a #1 pick bust, he did hang around the NFL for like 5 years.
- Paul Hospenthal/Danica Patrick - Though I know some disagree, she has the lowest hotness rating of all the women involved. Hey, don't argue with me - argue with science.
- Jeff Garcia/Carmella DeCesare - In spite of Carmella's immense hotness, Jeff Garcia is probably the most accomplished athlete on the list. That saves him from climbing too high on the unworthy list.
- Casey Daigle/Jennie Finch
- Sean Avery/Elisha Cuthbert - Much like the Garcia/DeCesare coupling, Avery's relatively accomplished career is the only thing that makes (made) this pair tolerable. Actually, it was still intolerable.
- Mirsad Turckan/Dzankovic - I'd never heard of either of them, but it took only a quick google followed by a quick google image to figure out that she's hot and he's not.
The Wretchedly Unworthy:
- Macaulay Culkin/Mila Kunis - This is why the TIDU label exists.
- Marko Jaric/Adriana Lima - Now they're married. Kill me now.
Ok. Now I can start my work day.