Gentlemen, I Want to Thank You For Coming Today

From Diamond:

Jeff Kent in his own words

I've just been reading everything on the Internet and the magazines, and you can't believe half of everything you read. A lot of good talk.

Gentlemen, my frustrations don’t lie with anybody. They lie with wins and losses. You don’t win, and if anybody's not frustrated, they should not be playing this game. There are no frustrations with players. There are no frustrations with management. You hope to build on your mistakes as players and as an organization, too. Those are the things that are frustrating.

Jeff Kent in my own words

Gentlemen, I've just been reading everything on the Internet. And boy are my arms tired. Ha ha! Gentlemen, seriously—reading everything on the Internet takes a long time. That's why I was one of the later arrivals to training camp.

Gentlemen, you have may have read I was frustrated with some of our younger players last season. Nothing could be further from the truth. In fact I was mildly irritated. Gentlemen, see what I mean about a lot of good talk?

Gentlemen, one young player, who shall go nameless because he knows who he is, particularly galled me because he was supposed to bring an appetizer to Poker Night. Not a dessert! Gentlemen, how am I supposed to keep a group of teammates interested in a marathon session of seven-card stud with no artichoke dip but four bundt cakes?

Gentlemen, you just can't ingest too much sugar at the beginning of Poker Night. It just doesn't work!

Gentlemen, my frustrations don’t lie with anybody. Instead they lie with a system which tells a rookie it's okay to forego a daily facial moisturizer because he has "natually soft skin." We play in the sun, people! Leathery crow's feet don't play well with the ladies. Trust me on this one!

Gentlemen, I want to thank you for coming today and allowing me to unburden my soul. Who's watching American Idol tonight?