Jose Reyes Must Die

A little something for our legions of female readers.

Forget the whole winter ball thing. Jose Reyes must die. Why?

• The adorable Sideshow Bob (junior division) hairdo.
  

• The heavenward finger-pointing. Not only after a home run—he also points to the skies after a bloop single. Does he point, say, after a successful credit card transaction? After an accident-free taxi ride?*
  

  Yes, many players do the pointing thing. But once Jose Reyes dies, I'm confident they'll reconsider. If they don't, MLB may just have to bring down an NFL-style hammer on excessive celebration.
  

• The interminable-conga-line-celebration-upon-returning- to-the-dugout-after-scoring thing. Those hand-slap combinations are more complex than military launch codes. To paraphrase Tom Landry: Act as if you've been there before.
  

Next: Why David Wright must die.

* Actually maybe not such a bad idea, considering the cab-related injuries to teammates Tom Glavine and Duaner Sanchez.