Saturday, April 13, 2013

Dodgers Issue Statement on Carlos Quentin

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Saturday, April 13, 2013

**MEDIA ADVISORY**

DODGERS ANNOUNCE CARLOS QUENTIN IS A TOTAL FUCKING DICKFACE

Padres left fielder is fuckhead dumbass punk

LOS ANGELES — The Los Angeles Dodgers today announced that Carlos Quentin is a total fucking dickface who should crawl back into whatever hole he came from. General Manager Ned Colletti made the announcement.

"Carlos Quentin, who gets hit by more pitches than Don Draper, is a motherfucking assclown," Colletti said. "With all due respect to Vin Scully, what Quentin pulled was pure bullshit. Dude dives at the plate more than Louie Anderson at a Las Vegas buffet. Gotta put on your big-boy pants and learn to take a HBP or two."

Quentin refused to elaborate on what Zack Greinke allegedly said to provoke his attack. Replays showed Greinke had the opportunity to utter two, maybe three syllables before Quentin charged at him like a rhino on a meth bender.

In his eighth year in the majors, the 240-pound Quentin has a history of being a dipshit trigger-happy hothead. In 2008 with the White Sox, he broke his wrist after punching his bat while facing Cliff Lee. Yes, this is a man who attacks his own equipment.

The Padres open a three-game stand at Dodger Stadium on Monday. Quentin has appealed the eight-game suspension handed down by the commissioner's office, meaning he will be eligible to play if the appeal ruling is not handed down this weekend.

Asked if Quentin would be welcome at Dodger Stadium, Matt Kemp replied, "We'll see, bitch."

Added Dodgers President and CEO Stan Kasten, "Go fuck yourself, San Diego."

12 comments:

Dusty Baker said...

Head Athletic Trainer Sue Falsone later issued a strong response to Quentin's action, challenging him to "Get in the ring, motherfucker!"

Steve Sax said...

I do think Falsone could take him.

Neeebs said...

Must be the new ownership group.Can't believe thatthey did a press release with so many f-bombs.

BJ Killeen said...

Think this release was a little too mild. Might be the one time a agree with Coletti.

Dusty Baker said...

I'm sure it had to go through so many edits and get watered down by the lawyers.

Paul said...

That fucker appealed his suspension. He really wants to play in LA this week?

Dusty Baker said...

We should bring up Zach Lee just to throw at Quentin's head so we won't waste a SP suspension.

Bottom line: we need to throw at his fucking head

Steve Sax said...

Monday night's starting pitcher: Juan Uribe

Cliff Beefpile said...

Uribe is probably a better pitching option than Tolleson actually.

Alex Cora said...

In order to not get suspended, Mattingly winked when he told Uribe that he was going to pitch and "Serve one up at the plate". Uribe immediately said "I'm In!"

Steve Sax said...

AC: +1

Fred's Brim said...

I hope the umps don't immediately issue warnings before the first game where somebody gets kicked out just for pitching inside

I also hope we keep that son of a bitch on the hook for a while. Don't just plunk him in his first AB on Monday. Keep him waiting for it. The anticipation of it would drive him crazy