LOS ANGELES -- Salivating at the thought of handouts from the federal government, Los Angeles Dodgers owner Frank McCourt has decided to take advantage of the current congressional impasse and submit a Los Angeles Dodgers bailout plan, requesting relief from the "toxic contracts" of Andruw Jones (2 years, $36M), Jason Schmidt (3 years, $47M), and Juan Pierre (5 years, $44M).
"The Los Angeles Dodgers have a mounting credit crisis due to $127M in sub-prime contracts," said McCourt. "I'm hoping to get a piece of that $700 billion before Hank Paulson gives it away on superfluous pursuits like maintaining stability in the global capital markets."
McCourt went on to argue that the contracts were on the verge of default given a range of different factors (low batting averages, meager on-base percentages, and microscopically small cumulative win totals), which in aggregate threatened to destabilize the entire LA Dodger payroll. With capital in short supply following a highly-leveraged purchase of other non-revenue generating assets, and maximum limits already reached on beer and parking prices (some of the highest in the league), McCourt sought governmental relief to compensate for the failures of his high-risk, high-leverage contracts.
The fact of the matter is, these contract instruments, including those known as Boras-backed (offensive-woe-in)securities, were just too complicated for the average MLB GM to process," explained McCourt. "The complexities of these derivative instruments were simply too great, and the risks too high. And when those adjustable (pant waist) rates exploded, we were just not in a place to cover the (team snack table) payments." When asked a follow-up question asking for clarification on whether McCourt was insinuating Dodger GM Ned Colletti was an "average GM," McCourt refused to answer the question.
Other MLB teams did not understand why the Dodgers should be awarded federal relief when their own risks were not eligible for bailouts. "As if I didn't want to revoke that Zito deal," muttered Giants owner Peter Magowan. "What the hell do you think?"
"I have never wanted to fleece (blanket) the American public," explained McCourt, "which is why we only award that stadium giveaway to the first 50,000 rather than to every fan. But come on, someone's gotta help me out with these three toxic contracts. Anyone? Anyone?"