Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Charity for Red Sox Fans

Oh, the poor Red Sox fans, with their sad $143M payroll that all but guarantees their pending World Series victory. Now, a few of them even have homework to do:

BOSTON -- Seven rowdy Red Sox fans have a homework assignment, and it has nothing to do with baseball.

A judge has ordered them to write a five-page essay explaining what they have learned from their experience of being arrested after the Red Sox won the American League Championship Series on Sunday night.

The defendants must also provide proof to the court that their parents are aware of their arrests.

The seven were among 26 people -- many of them college students -- charged with disorderly conduct charges. A spokesman for the Suffolk District Attorney's office says many were arrested for ignoring police orders to clear the area around Fenway Park after the game.

Some in the crowd allegedly threw rocks and bottles at police.

"We wanted to send a strong message that shenanigans would not be tolerated," Boston Mayor Thomas Menino told the Boston Herald. "We were a lot better prepared this year than we were in 2004."

Boy, I'm feeling awful about these poor downtrodden Red Sox fans. First they only eke out their first World Series title in 86 years, and then they aren't even allowed to celebrate without getting stuck in study hall detention. Since their essay is bound to be rife with grammatical errors and devoid of complex sentence construction, SoSG wants to help out with a potential structure for their thesis (that means, "a subject for composition or essay"), free of charge:

I have learned many valuable lessons after being arrested after my Red Sox won the ALCS. Throwing bottles and rocks, even at Cleveland Indians fans, is not an appropriate way to express discontent at the offensiveness of their mascot or stimulate debate about the economic benefit that Jacobs Field has brought to their downtown area. Dumping bowls of chowda on pocked cahs is also not a civilized way to act. And the police outside the Cask and Flagon are technically not allowed to join the revelry until they are off-duty. In conclusion, just because Manny may be allowed to be Manny doesn't mean Joey P. is allowed to be Joey P.


Eric Karros said...

"we wanted to send a strong message that shenanigans would not be tolerated."

I hear for felony offenses, the essays have to be single-spaced.

Steve Sax said...

You're right, I should have taken that angle--nothing instills fear in the heart of man like...a five-page essay.