Tuesday, November 06, 2007

Torre! Torii! Tori!

Ned Colletti, I have a simple, catchy, new jack swing catchphrase to guide you in this offseason. And the best news is, you're one-third of the way there already.

May I present to you the off-season's Dodger mandate:

Torre! Torii! Tori!

That's right. Getting Joe Torre was step one. Torre's addition was indeed a coup and we're psyched to have him and be done with Grady ball. But you're not done!

Step two involves getting a center fielder who can actually get on base every once in a while AND stop runners from taking extra bases. Torii Hunter is your man. He's two years older than Pierre, but unlike Pierre, Hunter hit above the league average for OBP the last three years, and he has some sock to his swing (.505 SLG for Hunter, relative to Pierre's anemic .353 SLG average). Pierre had 32 extra base hits last year. Hunter had 28 HR and 45 doubles (and a triple, to boot). Defensively, Pierre had five errors, while Hunter had only two (with more putouts). Adding Torre and shifting Pierre either to left field (or left out) would substantially upgrade our lineup. Andruw Jones would also be a nice catch--a term rarely mentioned in the same sentence as Pierre--but his name obviously doesn't work with our catchphrase.

Step three is wooing Tori Spelling to attend Dodger home games, preferably in the Dugout Club area. Why? Well, unlike resident Dodger nymphomaniac Alyssa Milano Tori Spelling isn't going to go sleep with half of the Dodger squad. She's married (second marriage, but still); she's hard up for cash (having inherited just $800K of her father's $300M estate), so she can't possibly spend all night carousing with the boys; and she is an ordained minister, clearly reflecting her moral righteousness. Plus, with a memoir on the way in the spring of next year, she will be looking for public relations opportunities to "be seen," so why not at Dodger games? If she becomes the (somewhat elongated) face of Dodger fandom, then perhaps we'll have a team that maintains its energy throughout the season and keeps its ballplaying on the field.

So there you have it, Ned and Frank: Torre! Torii! Tori! Get to work! (And no excuses from you Frank; I don't want to hear you mutter alternative contingencies "if I had no loot"--or you can new jack swing on my nuts.)

7 comments:

Orel said...

Excellent! And best use of the Dodgers' 50th anniversary logo yet.

Eric Karros said...

Nice post. I have two comments:
1) Hunter may have had more putouts than Pierre, but Milano putout more than both of them combined.
2) You sure know a lot about Tori Spelling.

Orel said...

Apparently, Sax is a regular viewer of "Tori & Dean: Inn Love."

Webmeister said...

I don't see where moving Pierre to LF and signing Hunter to play CF is that big of an upgrade. Atleast not big enough to warrant the type of money it will take to sign Hunter. Moving Pierre to LF will mean getting rid of or trading either Ethier or Kemp. To me, Ethier/Pierre/Kemp is as good or better than Pierre/Hunter/Ethier or Kemp, especially when you take salary and player control into consideration. I don't see rearranging of the furniture as an upgrade.

vr, Xei

Orel said...

I agree, given that Pierre isn't going anywhere. If we could go Ethier/Hunter/Kemp, then we'd be in business.

Steve Sax said...

You know those trades that teams make for a Player To Be Named Later?

Can't the "P" stand for Pierre? And we pass him off quietly?

Steve Sax said...

More importantly, xei, are you in favor of the Spelling for Milano trade?

vr, Sax