Lazy Bill Plaschke Once Again Uses Tired "One Moment / The Next Moment" Cliche To Capture Dodgers' 2016 Clincher

Bill Plaschke is a renowned sportswriting hack.

But one would have thought that, in a storybook ending game highlighted by the final home appearance of Dodgers legend Vin Scully; a walk-off home run by unlikely slugger Charlie Culberson; and a division-clinching victory for the Dodgers--Plaschke could have at least spent some effort to write the post-game column.

Nope. Not Plaschke, who probably was so busy staring at himself in the mirror, that he went back to using a tired writing device that is SO LAZY, he's used this same device no fewer than 13 times in the past eight years (a fact which we have thoroughly researched, up to 2013):

One moment, the Dodgers’ unlikely journeyman, Charlie Culberson, was driving a ball over the left-field fence for a 10th-inning home run to give the Dodgers a 4-3 victory over the Colorado Rockies and their fourth consecutive National League West Division championship.

The next moment, after the team hugged and bounced in the infield while its fans danced in the stands, everyone stopped and pointed to the press box.

Unbelievably lazy, Plaschke. And after spending a bit more time on a reasonable valentine piece on Scully earlier this week, you'd think that you'd do better than phoning it in, for a game like this.

Or as Scully himself might say,

"In a career that has been so derivative, the recyclable has again happened."

Game 100 Thread: July 20 @ Fredbirds, 5p

We need to Photoshop a hologram Kershaw.

Clayton Kershaw (11-2, 1.78) vs. Carlos Martinez (2-4, 4.43).

How quickly things turn. At the All-Star break the Dodgers were on top of the world, alone in first place with four All-Star representatives. Then Puig oh-fer'd his Home Run Derby appearance, and now the team is back in second place, their outfield controversy has rekindled itself, Plaschke is calling for big moves, and Puig is out of the lineup with a sore hand.

Which is when we get to the bright spot: Once every five starts we get to see a Kershaw start, and today he's only being asked to pull the Dodgers out of a nosedive against the very team that handed him his worst postseason loss ever. The Giants lost again, so first place is also at stake. Help us, Obi Wan Kershaw, you're our only hope.

Bill Plaschke And Living In The Moment, One Moment, And The Next Moment

The Los Angeles Times columnist Bill Plaschke likes to live in the moment. And, he likes to live in the next moment.

So much so, that he seems to be using the same cliched mechanism to illustrate "sudden" changes in perspective, separated by simple moments, to underline the tension or contradition in the conflict. And in fact, he's been using this hackneyed device not only regularly for the last ten years (if not longer; the first reference I found was twenty years old!), but also, more alarmingly, with increasing rapidity.

Let's spend some moments with Plaschke (bold emphasis mine).

September 17, 1994, on football issues:

One moment you are standing there, your entire world in sight, the possibilities endless.

The next moment you are swallowing somebody's jersey and feeling for your toes.

January 9, 2004, on Brett Favre:

One moment Favre was throwing the ball into the hands of cornerback Melvin Jenkins, then watching him run 15 yards to give the Lions a 10-point lead. Then he was screaming at Lion defensive players.

The next moment he was being publicly scolded by Coach Mike Holmgren. "I hate watching films because sometimes I wonder, 'What the hell am I doing?' " Favre said. But in the final moment, he was sending his team to Dallas for a second-round game next Sunday while sending the stunned Lions to their winter homes.

December 25, 2003, on USC wide receiver Mike Williams:

One moment, Mike Williams is in a stereotypical tale of inner-city failure.

The next moment, he is in a Christmas card.

August 12, 2008, on a tragic shooting affecting the US men's volleyball team at the Olympics:

One moment, his phone contained a happy text message from his father-in-law.

The next moment, that phone carried the news that his father-in-law had been slain during a nearby tour of the ancient Drum Tower.

May 26, 2009, on the Lakers' Game 4 Western Conference play loss to the Nuggets:

In one moment, the Nuggets' Chris "Birdman" Andersen was inspiring the crowd to flap their arms as he leaped through Lakers statues for 14 rebounds.

In the next moment, that crowd was raining down an obscene chant upon the cold-shooting Bryant, who could only grab his shorts, catch his breath, and shake his head.

February 11, 2010, profiling skier Lindsey Vonn:

In one moment Wednesday, a woman who has earned a U.S. women's record 31 World Cup victories while enduring everything from a sliced tongue to a battered back was talking about hobbling down Whistler Mountain for her five events. "It's just managing the pain," she said. "It's a matter of dealing with the pain."

The next moment, she was talking about baring her body for an annual magazine swimsuit issue and website that is famous for its perfect flesh. "It was a wonderful opportunity," she said. "I was honored."

October 15, 2010, about the baseball postseaon:

One moment there was a wonderfully noisy pennant race. The next moment it was so quiet you could hear a rating point drop.

One moment, we were marveling at the heartening end of a timeless marathon. The next moment, we were yawning over the silly steps of a manufactured sprint.

One moment, there were players spilling champagne over each other in celebration of one of sport's most difficult achievements. The next moment, well, it's been nearly two weeks and guys are still pouring champagne over each other and we're not sure why.

One moment, the country cared. The next moment, much of it didn't, and why should it?

September 11, 2010, on the Angels' Peter Bourjos' fielding error:

One moment Peter Bourjos was standing under a soaring fly that would not have directly affected the Angels' championship chase. The next moment he was looking with panic at an empty glove that might have ended it.

October 24, 2011, about golfer Charlie Sifford:

One moment he says, "I've lived a damn good life. I only have a few little years left, and I want to spend it happy."

The next moment he says, "I'm not sure about everybody calling me the Jackie Robinson of golf, because Jackie Robinson had a team behind him, and I had to do it alone."

September 24, 2012, on replacement NFL officials:

In one moment, Packers safety M.D. Jennings clearly intercepted a final-play pass while falling upon Seahawks receiver Golden Tate in the end zone, preserving an apparent 12-7 Green Bay win.

In the next moment, the replacement officials ruled that Tate had made the catch, and upheld that ruling after replay review, giving the Seahawks a 14-12 victory.

February 21, 2013, on the memorial honoring Jerry Buss:

In one moment, NBA Commissioner Stern was properly describing Buss as "nothing less than a transformational force in the history of sports."

In the next moment, Johnny Buss, looking and sounding strikingly like his father, right down to the untucked shirt and sport jacket, was calling for Lakers fans to remember him forever in blue jeans.

September 17, 2013, on Matt Kemp's return to the Dodgers lineup:

One moment Kemp was standing on second base, raising his hands into the air, pointing those hands at the Dodgers dugout. The next moment he was standing on first base slapping those hands together in joyful relief.

What to make of all of this?

One moment, I think Plaschke is incredibly lazy in his writing.

The next moment, I still think Plaschke is incredibly lazy in his writing.

Plaschke Flip-Flops On Dodgers Lineup Fortitude, But Short Sentences Keep Him From Falling Down

Gotta love our hometown hack Bill Plaschke, who couldn't wait 24 hours to flip-flop positions on the strength of the Dodgers' lineup, not to mention Matt Kemp's ability to contribute.

Exhibit 1: Monday September 16. The Dodgers had just lost their third in a row to the woeful Giants (though believe me, we know what we're doing!), using lineups that were only anchored by two regular starters (Mark Ellis at 2B and Juan Uribe at 3B).

All three outfield positions changed starters each night. We started Dee Gordon for pete's sake. There was no Hanley Ramirez to be found. Matt Kemp entered only for a late PH AB in the Sunday game.

And yet, after losing a fourth straight game, falling in the series opener with Arizona, Bill Plaschke came out of the weekend really worried:

PHOENIX — The clinching is slowly becoming a clenching.

The Dodgers are going to win a game that puts them in the playoffs, and it will probably happen this week, but at this rate the sounds of cork popping will be drowned out by teeth grinding.

For the fourth straight day their magic number is still four — and still apparently hiding somewhere up their sleeves — after a 2-1 loss to Arizona on Monday night in a game that was typified by the final out.

Remember Matt Kemp? In his first appearance in nearly two months after suffering through ankle and hamstring injuries, he came to the plate as a pinch-hitter with two out in the ninth inning and the tying run on third base and the go-ahead run on second.

Stop the presses? Nah, let them roll, the Dodgers' narrative remaining unchanged as Kemp struck out flailing on four pitches. [...]

Make no mistake, no matter what the Dodgers are doing now, their journey is going to take them to the postseason for the first time in four years. With the recent injuries and ineffectiveness, the growing concern is suddenly how long they will stay there.

Yikes, that sounds dire. The game was "typified by the final out", which must mean that Kemp's PH K somehow typifies the nine basehits from the team, not to mention the bases-clearing / lead-taking double from Adrian Gonzalez! And Matt Kemp can't be trusted! Disaster!

Oh, but wait a second. Exhibit 2: 24 hours later, the Dodgers opened a can of whup-ass on the Diamondbacks, romping to a 9-3 win and dropping the magic number to two. And suddenly, according to Plaschke, the lineup woes are all solved by Matt Kemp and his 4-for-4 performance:

PHOENIX — The champagne is still on hold for at least another day, but the Dodgers bounced out of their clubhouse here Tuesday night happily soaked in a different sort of bubbly.

There's nothing like being sprayed with a vintage Matt Kemp.

One ball was smacked into the left-field corner. Another ball was blasted off the wall above the center-field fence. There was a line drive up the middle. There was a grounder past the shortstop.

One moment Kemp was standing on second base, raising his hands into the air, pointing those hands at the Dodgers dugout. The next moment he was standing on first base slapping those hands together in joyful relief.

In his final moment Tuesday, when Kemp was pulled off the Chase Field diamond in the seventh inning to protect his still-tender ankle, he was enveloped by teammates with hugs, back slaps and welcome laughs. After a 58-day absence from the lineup card, Kemp's name showed up with exclamation points, his bat accounting for four hits and three RBIs while helping to whittle the Dodgers' magic number to two in a 9-3 victory over the Arizona Diamondbacks.

"That's me, that's what I do," a grinning Kemp said afterward. "To be able to do it in my first game back is a pretty good sign."

As usual with Matt Kemp, the three words trumpeting his dreamy return must be accompanied by three words rooted in reality.

He is back. Will it last?

Wait a second, wasn't this the guy you were just excoriating as typifying the Dodgers' ineptitude? Weren't the Dodgers up shit creek a day ago? What the hell is "being sprayed by vintage Matt Kemp", anyway (and why am I afraid that Plaschke might know the answer to that question in the first place)?

Wow. Well, I suppose I should at least be excited Plaschke isn't uniformly focused on just Trojan football anymore. Hope Matt doesn't 0-fer tonight so we get another "end of the world" column tomorrow.

Monday Link-o-rama

• "It's coming," manager Don Mattingly said. "Not much longer." Wilson on track to be activated Monday or Tuesday (Ken Gurnick, Dodgers.com)
  
• Sometimes Bill Plaschke is an amazing writer. Yesterday was one of those times. The setup men for a gimpy Gibson’s immortal World Series homer (LA Times)
  
• Another link to Brooklyn is lost. Marty Adler, Curator of the Brooklyn Dodgers’ Legacy, Dies at 76 (New York Times)
  

Plaschke Quick To Criticize Bobblehead Choices, But Remained Quiet Four Months Ago

Oh sure, LA Times blowhard Bill Plaschke wants to get you all riled up over the Dodgers' 10 bobbleheads available in 2012, and how it's a mortal sin to have not included Dodgers broadcasting legend Jaime Jarrin:

Even when it comes to bobbleheads, the Dodgers can be knuckleheads.

In what probably will be Frank McCourt's final farewell to Dodgers fans, his team is celebrating the 50th anniversary of Dodger Stadium this summer by handing out 10 bobblehead dolls featuring celebrated Dodgers heroes.

Vin Scully will be one. Sandy Koufax will be another. Tom Lasorda and Walter Alston will be bobbling together. Mike Scioscia and Kirk Gibson will be all dolled up. Don Drysdale and Maury Wills will share a tiny sculpture. Orel Hershiser, Eric Karros, Fernando Valenzuela and the legendary infield of the 1970s will also be honored.

The list is officially called the "2012 Dodger Stadium Greats Bobblehead Series" and the group is pretty cool, except for one pequeno problema.

A Hall of Fame broadcaster who has spent 53 years connecting with Dodgers fans in Spanish is not included.

His name is Jaime Jarrin, he has been with the organization longer than all but Scully and Lasorda, and although you may have never heard him, there are large segments of this city who listen to only him, forming the foundation of today's loyal Latino Dodgers fan base.

He's not Scully, but there are many people who believe in him just as religiously. He's not even as famous as his broadcasting partner Valenzuela, but his contributions to baseball have been just as compelling, as he is considered baseball's greatest Spanish-language broadcaster ever .

Yet when McCourt's top staff drew up a list of 10 Dodger Stadium legends to be immortalized in what has become a bobbling badge of honor, Jaime Jarrin didn't make the cut?

Look, I'm not saying that Jaime Jarrin doesn't deserve to be included in the ten; even I had a puzzled grin when reading that Big Wave Eric Karros made the anniversary season bobblehead cut (June 28; mark your calendars!). Jarrin would have been an inspired choice, especially as a bookend to Vin Scully, who is getting a Dodgers bobblehead SGA for the first time.

But if Plaschke really cared about Jarrin's bobblehead candidacy, he would have said something back in late November 2011, when the ten bobbleheads were announced, but the identities not revealed. That would have been an appropriate time to start the Jarrin campaign; not after the lineup was announced, Monday morning quarterback.

You want to talk about bobbling the ball, Bill? Go look behind the orange curtain. That seems like a much more unpardonable sin to fans, no?

Bill Plaschke Needs You To Know That He's Been To A Lot Of NFL Championship Games

Saw an interesting piece in Sunday's LAT in which Bill Plaschke was trying to make the argument that yesterday's conference championship day was a better NFL day than the Super Bowl itself. Okay, not such a bad argument; the only reason why anyone watches the Superbowl anyway is the commercials (and that kickass nacho cheese bean dip that Ingrid makes each year!).

But Plaschke decided to detail his thesis not by using facts, or ratings, or even statistics. No, Plaschke just wanted to talk about himself and all the cool games he's attended (bold emphasis mine):

The two conference championship games played Sunday will be more compelling than the one game played two weeks later, and it won't even be close.

Sunday is the Super Bowl minus the capital letters, Roman numerals and incessant glitz. Sunday is real football, played in real weather, in front of real fans, for real stakes.

I've never seen a Super Bowl winner cry. I've seen New Orleans Saints players weeping when they beat the Minnesota Vikings to qualify for their first Super Bowl.

I've never seen a Super Bowl quarterback quiver. I've seen Peyton Manning nearly faint from emotion as he staggered off the field after finally beating Tom Brady and qualifying for his first Super Bowl. [...]

I was in a press box in New Orleans a couple of years ago when grown men started screaming at the sight of the Vikings' Brett Favre throwing that horrible interception at the end of regulation. I was there in Indianapolis a couple of years earlier when all of Middle America seem to rock at the sight of the Colts overcoming an 18-point deficit with Peyton Manning using a last-minute drive to pound the final nail into the omnipotence of Brady. The first truly breathtaking moment of my sportswriting career occurred while I stood on the Cleveland sidelines and watched John Elway's drive to give the Denver Broncos the 1986 AFC championship.

It's all about you, Bill!

Linkification

• Don't think the Dodgers will be exercising Jon Garland's $8 million option for 2012. Shoulder surgery to end Garland's season (Dodgers.com)
• MSBs wobble but they don't fall down. Aaron Miles' elbow X-rays negative (ESPNLosAngeles.com)
• When Matt Kemp hits a total of four home runs in the second half, this will be why. Home Run Derby and Matt Kemp's swing (Dodger Thoughts)
• According to Bill Plaschke, next year is the last guaranteed year of Ned Colletti's contract. Last-place Dodgers are just taking up space, and there's nothing Ned Colletti can do about it (LA Times)
• Paper chase. MLB says Frank McCourt isn't entitled to documents (Bill Shaikin, LA Times)
• McCourt is such a fool he made Kareem become a writer. Bums! (The Dodgers' owners, that is.) (Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, ESPN.com)

  

photo from @Dodgers

SoSG's Mr. LA Sports Czar Writes Tomorrow's Plaschke, Today

Well done, Mr. LA Sports Czar...Bill may actually use this himself and save himself from thinking about a lede:

Bill Plaschke's article* from tomorrow's paper:

The Lakers were distracted.

Distracted by Phil's last game.

Distracted by the pressure mounting on their shoulders.

Distracted by Lamar's new reality show.

Distracted by that one dunk Andrew Bynum missed back in December of 2007.

Those distractions ultimately distracted the Lakers out of two home games.

*Note- article is entirely fabricated

MAVERICKS 93, LAKERS 81

Earlier: Deadspin Exposes Plaschke's Pre-Written "Distracted" Narratives

Deadspin Exposes Plaschke's Pre-Written "Distraction" Narratives

In the aftermath of the end of Fire Joe Morgan, kudos to Deadspin for digging through the Bill Plaschke archives (a malodorous task, indeed) and finding that he tends to write the same story, involving different athlete protagonists, and how their lives are more often than not filled with a multitude of pesky distractions.

Deadspin found articles by Plaschke referencing distractions at play for Matt Kemp, Manny Ramirez, Brett Tomko (actually, Tomko's mother), Milton Bradley, and Tommy Lasorda. But his concern about lack of focus extends way beyond Dodgertown, as Plaschke has also written additional concerns about distractions for Lindsey Vonn, Tiger Woods, Terrell Owens, Kwame Brown, Michelle Kwan, Mike Dunleavy, Phil Jackson, both USC and UCLA football teams (separately), and the 2004 Iraqi national soccer team. Wow, that's a lot of distractions! As Deadspin ends its post:

You might have noticed that this is more accurately a list of things that distract Bill Plaschke. Distract him, a sports writer, from having to come up with actual sports things to write about. Lamar Odom won't play poorly because he went on TV, and he won't overcome the adversity of said TV show to play well. Those are just the easy ways out, prewritten narratives that certain writers return to over and over again because they don't have any new or intelligent ground to cover. It's the type of column one might submit if they were too distracted to write well, perhaps because they're on Around The Horn all the time.

Wait, Around The Horn is on? I've gotta go.

Why Don't They Just Call It The BPCS: Bill Plaschke Championship Series

So Auburn goes out and wins the college football championship game Monday night, beating Oregon 22-19, in a at-times exciting but not consistently thrilling game.

Some writers used the opportunity to praise Auburn. Some writers used the opportunity to lament Oregon. Some writers used the opportunity to reflect upon the "twisted season" in college football this year. And some even pointed out Brent Musburger's pathetic product placement call.

But the LA Times' Bill Plaschke? For him, it's not about the players on the field or the coaches on the sideline or the fans in the stands. It's all about him. Bill Plaschke. This game is about HIM.

Down on the field, the winning kick sailed through the uprights at exactly 10:12 p.m.

Up in the press box, the first e-mails sailed into my inbox at, well, exactly 10:12 p.m.

Down on the field, there's drama unfolding. Up in the press box, sits a little man writing about the drama.

Down in the article, there's a lead being buried. Up in the article, there's a tired contrasting-sentences structure cliche being placed.

Up on the housetop, reindeer pause; out jumps good old Santa Claus. Down through the chimney with lots of toys; all for the little ones, Christmas joys.

That's e-mails, plural, both sent at the exact moment Wes Byrum's 19-yard field goal gave Auburn a 22-19 victory over Oregon on Monday night in the BCS national championship game.

Holy shit, you mean to tell me you got two emails sent to you at once? How incredible is that! I mean, that never happens to us ordinary mortals (unless we're forwarding email from our gmail accounts to work since the firewall at work keeps us from accessing the gmail account on our own (but then there's always our smartphones, so take that!, man who is keeping us down)).

Two emails at once: wow, that is indeed noteworthy of a sports page column. Go on.

Revenge was exact. Revenge was immediate. The Auburn and SEC fans were Nick Fairley, and I was an Oregon offensive lineman, and the bull rush was on.

And now Plaschke is George Plimpton (save the Intellivision shilling), actually imagining himself as a player on the field. Which he's not. Because he's a reporter, who is supposed to be covering a story--but in this case, the story happens to be him, so why the hell shouldn't he be an Oregon offensive lineman? Except for the fact that he didn't play in the game, didn't prepare for the game, he didn't expend an iota of energy in the game.

Sure, he can be a lineman. In fact, he can be whomever he wants in this ridiculous metaphor.

How about, the Auburn and SEC fans are Superman, and Plaschke is Mr. Mxyzptlk. Or the Auburn and SEC fans are truth, and Plaschke is lies. Or Auburn / SEC fans are chocolate, and Plaschke is peanut butter. Wait, scratch that last one.

"In honor of you, Mr. Bill, Waffle House has just announced a new feature item on their menu: Roasted Duck," wrote Steve in a striking first shot.

Which is an awesome (albeit not "striking") first shot, since I've eaten at a Waffle House and I don't think they serve duck. I'm not even sure if they serve real meat.

Literally seconds later, another one appeared. [...] Two rips in the first minute. Another rip just one minute later. [...]

There were 10 e-mails in the first 10 minutes, 50 by the end of the night, and as I'm writing this column Tuesday afternoon, more than 250 folks have e-mailed to remind me of something that was very clear through Monday night's chaos and confetti.

Now, Bill Plaschke getting a volume of emails may indeed be noteworthy, since I don't think many other people leave comments for the homeless guy with the tattered cardboard sign ranting to himself at the bottom of a Harbor Freeway off-ramp. Usually, when confronted by muttering lunatics, people just avert their eyes and move on. Plaschke may be shocked to find out that people actually read his earlier piece predicting an Oregon victory.

But people who make predictions sometimes miss predictions. It's not a big deal. It certainly doesn't merit 884 words, 17 of which are "I". A whole article reflecting on comments about another article one wrote earlier seems rather self-absorbed. Who does Plaschke think he is? Joel Stein?

There was a college football championship game going on, and Plaschke totally missed it because he was checking his own email account.

I thought that the whole idea why press boxes are situated high above the field at the center of the stadium, was to give the sportswriters the best vantage points to view the game in its entirety.

Apparently, BIll Plaschke's seat was situated squarely in front of a mirror.

Friday Notes, Ugly-Ass Edition

Right on, TBLA.

• Voice of reason speaks on voice of insanity. Peter O'Malley says Frank McCourt needs to sell the Dodgers (Bill Shaikin, LA Times)
• Plaschke nails it! That's right, you heard me. Of course, it's as obvious as voting for a Vin Scully statue, but it's still nice to see in print. McCourt's now all alone after O'Malley's public stand (LAT)
• Adios, Bob Schaefer. Bob Schaefer Airs the Dirty Laundry (MSTI)
• Maybe we shouldn't be looking forward to next year as much.... The Big Blue Wrecked Crew: 2010-11 Dodger offseason primer (Dodger Thoughts)

One More Salvo in the Plaschke Stadium Debate

In the early days of this blog, one of the continuing features that I thought would be funny would be to riff off the LA Times Letters page that ran each week in the Saturday Sports section. That was back when the LA Times had an actual sports section, rather than the Cars and Other Assorted Paid Advertorials section.

(And nowadays, who writes letters to a newspaper, anyway? The whole idea of relying upon traditional media channels, with their declining subscriber bases and free online content, simply for amplification and publication of one's counterpoints, seems extremely antiquated. Why don't you just start a dissenting opinion blog and report your opinions on that blog?)

But then, this past weekend, I saw a letter that dissented with Dodgers hater and LA Times resident hack Bill Plaschke about his "Angel Stadium rocks" piece (this was before the fateful All-Star Game earlier this week, hosted by Anaheim Stadium, which generated the lowest television ratings in the history of the All-Star Game). One particular letter made me laugh.

Writes Amanda Erlinger of Laguna Beach:

Dodger Stadium has something that Anaheim Stadium will never have. It's got soul. Tearing down Dodger Stadium for the sake of efficiency, or scoring an All-Star Game would break the heart of a city. It would break the heart of this girl, who moved to the OC seven years ago. I still make the trip to Chavez Ravine to wait in the lines, cheer in the narrow concourses, and slip in the bathrooms of the greatest living baseball stadium on earth.

I of course agree with Ms. Erlinger's opinion. But I have to give her mad props for utilizing the old Lincoln-Douglass Debate trick of referencing the immortal logic of Christina Aguilera in "Ain't No Other Man":

Ain't no other man, can stand up next to you
Ain't no other man on the planet does what you do (what you do).
You're the kinda guy, a girl finds in a blue moon.
You got soul, you got class.
You got style, but you're bad ass
Ain't no other man its true - alright -
Ain't no other man but you.

To which I say to Ms. Erlinger, "Do your thang, honey!" And thanks for defending the hallowed grounds of Dodger Stadium, one of the greatest baseball stadiums around.

Notes for a Dead Off-Day

• The winning bid: $50,100. Manny auctions his Porsche for charity (Dodgers.com)
• Thank you, thank you, thank you, Phil Wallace*. Dodger Stadium and Angel Stadium (LA Observed)
• "The average price for the Yankees-Dodgers series was $99." Midseason Ticket Report – National League West Division (SeatGeek)
• There's a new off-day puzzle up at Mr. C's site! Winning Builds…Something Something (Cave Emptorem)

*In fairness, I liked this Plaschke column.

photo by Jon SooHoo/Dodgers

Five Things I Learned in Yesterday's LA Times Sports Section

1. Occasionally I agree with Bill Plaschke. You gotta go with the players who give you the best chance to win — right, Charlie Manuel?

2. Kirk Gibson is pretty blunt. "I shouldn't say this, but we have a lot of really good ballplayers. I'd rather have a lot of bad ballplayers who win ballgames."

3. Except for parking, prices at Dodger Stadium and Angel Stadium match up fairly well (from print edition):

2010 price list
Parking: Dodgers $15, Angels $8
Cheapest seat: Dodgers $4 (game day only), Angels $12
Hot dog: Dodgers $5, Angels $4.50
Peanuts: Dodgers $5.50, Angels $6
Bottled water: Dodgers $5, Angels $4
Cheapest beer: Dodgers $6, Angels $4.50
Small soda: Dodgers $3.75, Angels $3

4. The Angels are not popular outside of Anaheim. "The Angels ranked last in the major leagues in road attendance last year, next to last in the previous year." (Although SeatGeek only places them in the bottom seven this year).

5. Some stadium giveaways weren't so popular this year.

Cycling at the Winter Olympics?

Snowboarder Lindsey Jacobellis remains defiant in clutch after slide (Bill Plaschke, LA Times)

Predictably, Bill Plaschke Has Something Stupid To Say About Lindsey Jacobellis (Tommy Craggs, Deadspin)

Why Lindsey Jacobellis rocks (Jon Weisman, Dodger Thoughts)

Bill Plaschke, You're The One Who Doesn't Get It (Chad Moriyama, Memories of Kevin Malone)

Live this....everyday. (Olympic Creed, Apolo Anton Ohno, Twitter)

"There is no tomorrow! THERE IS NO TOMORROW! THERE IS NO TOMORROW!" (Apollo Creed, "Rocky III")

"Come full circle, yeah, come full circle" (Creed, "Full Circle")

Snowboarder Lindsey Jacobellis remains defiant in clutch after slide (Bill Plaschke, LA Times)

(Thanks to Sax for the Apolo/Apollo assist!)

It's Time For Your Morning Plaschke Rip

Sit down, get your coffee, and feast your eyes on the latest offering from LA Times column-inch addict, Bill Plaschke:

Bob Schaefer sits in a quiet dugout on one of those glorious baseball afternoons in Chavez Ravine, staring out at a gleaming stadium slowly filling with the clatter of dirt-caked groundskeepers, smiling peanut hawkers and grim security toughs.

"I've done that," he says.

Which part?

He smiles and shrugs.

"All of it," he says.

The Dodgers bench coach has been more than just the guy with the fungo bat and stopwatch and sweaty sleeve from throwing a basket of balls.

He has been the guy mowing the grass, spreading the lime, working the hose; the guy with the rake, the shovel, the strain.

He has been the guy taking tickets, selling snacks, peddling advertisements, sweeping the floor, guarding the door.

Bob Schaefer has spent a dozen years as a manager -- of a high school team.

He has been selected manager of the year -- in Class A of the minor leagues.

He is in the Hall of Fame -- of the collegiate Cape Cod League.

A guy who has spent two seasons helping guide the Dodgers to the top of major league baseball has spent exactly zero days playing major league baseball.

Thirteen paragraphs into this story, you might still be saying, "Who?"

No, 13 paragraphs into this story, I'm asking myself why 13 sentences take 13 frickin' distinct paragraphs. Is it because Plaschke can't string together consecutive coherent thoughts? Is it because Plaschke is paid by the column inch rather than the word? (I'm also wondering why he needs spaces before and after his em-dashes, but that's for another rant.)

Couldn't one combine "paragraphs" two through five?

And six through eight?

Nine through eleven?

Couldn't one make his points of parallel construction without offsetting each item with a separate indent?

A unique carriage return?

A differentiated sectional arrangement?

It's too bad, too, as it's a pretty nice valentine piece (you know, the ones Plashcke has to write about the Dodgers to compensate for all of his other critical Dodgers-targeted blather) about Bob Schaefer, asssitant and confidant to Joe Torre. I've wondered who he was as well, although it was more interesting to me to read about the role he plays today rather than his resume of odd jobs (including grave digging). But it's worth a read.

That is, if you don't mind hitting the "Page Down" key incessantly.

This Is Plaschke's Town

From Bill Plaschke's Twitter feed last night:

Longtime fans hate reading it, but I have to say it -- Dodger Stadium needs to be gutted and redone. Same beautiful spot, better new stadium

Bud and Bill See Eye to Eye

Earlier, SoSG Sax brought us Bill Plaschke's opinion on Manny Ramirez rehabbing in the minor leagues during his suspension — namely, that he shouldn't be allowed to do it. Now it looks like Bud Selig agrees with Plaschke. From "Selig wants current rule changed" at ESPN.com:

Baseball commissioner Bud Selig wants to keep players on drug suspensions from going to the minor leagues before they return.

Manny Ramirez drew sellout crowds last month in the minors when he played two games at Triple-A Albuquerque and three at Class-A Inland Empire on his rehabilitation assignment before his return to the Los Angeles Dodgers on July 3.

"I believe that should be changed," Selig said Tuesday during a one-hour question-and-answer session with the Baseball Writers' Association of America. "Their logic was OK -- look, guys get hurt, they can go out on rehab, and so on and so forth. But I think that's something we need to really change in the next labor negotiation."

The current rules are in place through December 2011. Rob Manfred, baseball's executive vice president of labor relations, said management will not ask for a rules change before then.

"I'll let them work that out. I don't want to do our negotiating here," Selig said. "But it's 50 games and then go do what you got to do to get back into [shape]."

I wonder if Selig felt this way when J.C. Romero did the same thing for the Phillies. If so, did the perfect storm of the proximity of Manny's minors stint to the All-Star break force Selig to take a public stance? One thing's for sure: The rule won't be changing any time soon, and the Dodgers planned Manny's rehab by the book. In other words, don't hate the player.

It's A Pretty Shaky Excuse for a Column for Bill Plaschke

It's another 30 column inches of schlock for the LA Times' Bill Plaschke, who has used up all of his monthly quota of love extolling the virtues of the Lakers, and now has to turn his vitriol toward the Dodgers, specifically, Manny Ramirez. Even if it's not Manny's, or the Dodgers', fault in the first place.

Plaschke's latest piece of crap, "It's a pretty shaky suspension bridge for Manny Ramirez", contends that the rule allowing Manny to play for the Isotopes to warm up for his MLB return is plain wrong, in the world of Plaschke:

Something needs to be done about the rule that allows banned major leaguers to play in the minors.

While the Dodgers were playing the 42nd game of Manny Ramirez's 50-game suspension Tuesday, Manny Ramirez was doing something very strange.

He was playing for the Dodgers.

Except he wasn't. He was playing for the Albuquerque Isotopes. Albuquerque isn't even in the state of California, last time I checked. Oh wait, this is creative license of hyperbole in which you utilize fallacious statements to emphasize a point! My mistake:

Well, not exactly, but close enough, as he was playing on a Dodgers-sponsored team, with Dodgers-funded teammates and coaches, in a stadium where a portion of the ticket revenue is sent to Major League Baseball.

Manny Ramirez playing for the triple-A Albuquerque Isotopes is as weird as the word Isotope.

Because the word "Albuquerque" isn't all that weird, right?

Why is Ramirez allowed to play there? Why is Ramirez allowed to play anywhere? Since when are players allowed to turn a rehab assignment into a detox assignment?

Well, Bill, this is exactly what the rules of baseball state: every suspended MLB player has the right to a rehab assignment, as Jon Weisman deftly pointed out two days ago. Maybe you're too busy drinking the Lakers' koolaid that you haven't had time to study the rulebook, or even read the Dodgers blog from your own damn paper.

And by the way, Bill, in case you've forgotten: Laker Lamar Odom violated the NBA's anti-drug policy and was suspended twice, allegedly for marijuana use to which he confessed. But you've had no problem overlooking this similar transgression as you praise the virtues of Odom's gutty performances for the Lakers.

Hypocrite.

And why can't baseball punish a guy without also apologizing to him?

Why can't LA Times subscribers get an apology from you for wasting valuable article space in the already wafer-thin Cars...er, Sports section?

Under the current rules, I don't blame the Dodgers for sending them there, and it's hard to blame Albuquerque for trying to make a few bucks off the circus, but there is something fundamentally wrong about all of this. I blame the entire major league baseball system -- from the commissioner's office to the union to the individual clubs -- because nobody saw this coming.

I blame LA Times Editor Russ Stanton for your column. And LA Times publisher Eddy Hartenstein. And my paper delivery person, who can't find my doorstep with a map. And Gutenberg, for inventing movable type printing. And Steve Gutenberg, for playing Sgt. Carey Mahoney in the Police Academy movies, on top of "The Bedroom Window." And Moses Hightower, Tackleberry, and that guy who makes all those crazy sounds.

In the meantime, Ramirez's suspension continues to look increasingly like a nice vacation for him and a financial windfall for the Dodgers.

Yes, the reason for the Dodgers to introduce Bleacher Beach and Free Parking promotions definitely indicate the team's "financial windfall" since the suspension. No attendance gaps here to speak of while Manny is out!

Think about it. During the suspension, Ramirez had reaped all the rewards of being a Dodger without any of the responsibilities.

Actually, Ramirez received none of his salary for the 50-game suspension, sacrificing $7.7M of his salaried contract. But yeah, other than giving up $8M, you're right, he's reaping ALL of those other rewards. Like, er, continued use of his parking space on non-game days. And a 10% discount at the Top of the Park store. And free MLB Gameday Premium.

Ramirez is playing for the Isotopes for free. And have you seen those Isotope uniforms? Surely, a man deserves pay for wearing that.

He has been allowed clubhouse and training room and field access without ever explaining how and why and when he violated baseball's drug policy.

Access to the field and clubhouse is limited to only when the team isn't there, as MLB made clear. As for his need to explain the details of his suspension, that isn't mandatory, either. And certainly not to you, Plaschke, self-appointed keeper of the confessional booth.

The Dodgers have taken care of his every need -- from cough syrup to batting-practice baseballs -- without once asking him to be accountable to the community that they once considered a priority.

Again, you're wrong. Frank McCourt called out Manny to apologize to the team and Dodger fans. Which I have to say, I always thought was a little ridiculous, since I don't think McCourt has the right to tell Manny what to do. And as for the cough syrup, wow, I'm glad you called that out, Bill. Robitussin D is a pretty important point to reference.

Talking with [Minor League Baseball President Pat] O'Conner and major league officials Tuesday, it became apparent that the Ramirez case has caused both parties to reconsider Rule 9(i), and it will be revisited this winter.

"It's a new era, and would something like this be deserving of at least a conversation?" O'Conner said. "Maybe so."

Aha, so the lengths of all of your bombastic muckraking only result in a slight "maybe" from Pat O'Conner (who talks a lot like Jim Tracy, answering his own rhetorical questions)? Well done, Bill!

Here's another one for you: "Would man landing on Jupiter to establish a human colony in the next decade be deserving of at least a conversation? Maybe so." Or how about this one: "Would the opportunity to have flames shoot out of my eyeballs on command as a superpower be deserving of at least a conversation? Maybe so."