Baseball is in hibernation, Football is winding down, and Basketball is getting a late start. There is, however, one sport that is in the heart of it's season. If not a sport of Kings, then a sport of Archdukes. A sport of Viscounts, at the very least. As I'm sure many of you have already guessed, I'm talking about Professional Extreme Water Polo.
For those few of you who have not been following the harrowing events of this current season, the situation is dire. All participants in the most prestigious (and only) tournament of the year have gone on strike, demanding increased profit sharing and decreased risk of death and dismemberment. The leaugue has had to take some drastic measures to insure the survival of the grand traditions of the game. Specifically, calling us.
So, it is with great pleasure that we bring you the first-ever Sons of Steve Garvey Semi-Amateur Comment-Based Extreme Water Polo Champions League tournament. In the spirit of its non-comment-based (and more deadly) predecessor, there will be three teams of six players, each representing the great powers of Channel Islands Professional Extreme Watersports Association (No, not those. These! Not coincidentally, the only remaining place that the sport is even legal)
The rules - The object of comment-based extreme water polo is to score more goals than your opponent. To achieve this, your team must: Advance the the ball by connecting comments with a teammate.
- To move the play forward the player with the ball must PASS the ball, and another player must CATCH it. Connected posts must at least contain these words to be valid. That player must then PASS in turn. The passing player need not identify the specific target of a pass. One may pass to any teammate other than yourself.
- Avoid giving the ball away to the defending team. If an opposing team member can BLOCK a between a pass and a catch with a comment containing the word BLOCK before the catch is made, that player takes over possession and begins a new sequence of play in the other direction. Any opposing player may attempt to BLOCK any other player, but only once per pass attempt. Only the first BLOCK attempt by each defender will be counted on each pass.
- Nothing to see here, move along.
- Not delay gameplay. If any player with possession of the ball fails to PASS within the next minute after a CATCH or BLOCK, that player will be viciously attacked by a saltwater crocodile and possession will be awarded to the opposing team. If a player is attacked by a crocodile twice in the same match, that player will require immediate medical attention and must withdraw from the match, as well as remain under strict medical supervision for the next match. For example, if one CATCHES the ball with a comment time stamp of 2:30, pm, one must PASS before 2:31 pm expires. 2:32 pm? Maulings.
Team rosters and the official tournament schedule will be posted tomorrow. Godspeed and good luck!