Tuesday, January 10, 2012

It's SoSGSACBEWPCL!

Baseball is in hibernation, Football is winding down, and Basketball is getting a late start. There is, however, one sport that is in the heart of it's season. If not a sport of Kings, then a sport of Archdukes. A sport of Viscounts, at the very least. As I'm sure many of you have already guessed, I'm talking about Professional Extreme Water Polo.

For those few of you who have not been following the harrowing events of this current season, the situation is dire. All participants in the most prestigious (and only) tournament of the year have gone on strike, demanding increased profit sharing and decreased risk of death and dismemberment. The leaugue has had to take some drastic measures to insure the survival of the grand traditions of the game. Specifically, calling us.

So, it is with great pleasure that we bring you the first-ever Sons of Steve Garvey Semi-Amateur Comment-Based Extreme Water Polo Champions League tournament. In the spirit of its non-comment-based (and more deadly) predecessor, there will be three teams of six players, each representing the great powers of Channel Islands Professional Extreme Watersports Association (No, not those. These! Not coincidentally, the only remaining place that the sport is even legal)

The rules - The object of comment-based extreme water polo is to score more goals than your opponent. To achieve this, your team must: Advance the the ball by connecting comments with a teammate.

  1. To move the play forward the player with the ball must PASS the ball, and another player must CATCH it. Connected posts must at least contain these words to be valid. That player must then PASS in turn. The passing player need not identify the specific target of a pass. One may pass to any teammate other than yourself.
  2. Avoid giving the ball away to the defending team. If an opposing team member can BLOCK a between a pass and a catch with a comment containing the word BLOCK before the catch is made, that player takes over possession and begins a new sequence of play in the other direction. Any opposing player may attempt to BLOCK any other player, but only once per pass attempt. Only the first BLOCK attempt by each defender will be counted on each pass.
  3. Nothing to see here, move along.
  4. Not delay gameplay. If any player with possession of the ball fails to PASS within the next minute after a CATCH or BLOCK, that player will be viciously attacked by a saltwater crocodile and possession will be awarded to the opposing team. If a player is attacked by a crocodile twice in the same match, that player will require immediate medical attention and must withdraw from the match, as well as remain under strict medical supervision for the next match. For example, if one CATCHES the ball with a comment time stamp of 2:30, pm, one must PASS before 2:31 pm expires. 2:32 pm? Maulings.
If, for some inexplicable reason, a team is left with only one intact player, the match will be considered to be forfeited. For tournament play, the match will be scored as equal to the largest naturally-occurring margin of victory.

Team rosters and the official tournament schedule will be posted tomorrow. Godspeed and good luck!

33 comments:

Dusty Baker said...

maulMaulMAUL!!!!

Jason said...

joeblockJoeBlockJOEBLOCK!

Spank said...

migraineMigraineMIGRAINE!

Fred's Brim said...

Is there any way I can bow outOutOUT of this?
I don't think I can give this the attention is deserves

Franklin Stubbs said...

FB, out is always an option. If you're concerned about time commitment, though, the games won't be particularly long. (Should have clarified this in the rules)

Steve Sax said...

I'm a Son, and yet I have no idea what the hell is going on here. These rules are crazy complicated.

I love it.

Franklin Stubbs said...

@Sax

In basic terms, you're trying to post a catch comment immediately after your teammate "passes".

The other side is trying to prevent that pass by blocking.

if your team can chain 5 passes without a successful block, shoot that bish.

Franklin Stubbs said...

rule number 4 is there just to keep a team from getting ahead and just holding the ball. You can play possession, but you gotta keep passing.

Dusty Baker said...

I can't just play for possession? DAMMIT!

Sincerely,
College basketball in the late 70s/early 80s
co-signed Eddie Sutton

Jason said...

This game sounds like it will contain some rapid fire fun but I think rule 4 might need some clarification:

1. Does the 1 minute rule also apply to a successful BLOCK?

2. Does the 1 minute rule apply after a successful score (meaning, does the last opposing commenter have 1 minute to restart play for the non-scoring team)?

3. At what point does the clock start after a shot (whether it scores or is blocked)? After a Son confirms the comment ID comparison?

Also, does this mean Dusty is the crocodile? Can I ply the crocodile with beer and/or scotch?

Franklin Stubbs said...

Jason,

The minute rule applied to whenever you take possession the comment ball. If you catch, block, or restart play after a goal.

In the case of a goal, play resumes immediately (no confirmation needed) with the last active defender (i.e. the block attempt) controlling play. The timestamp on the block attempt starts the clock

Franklin Stubbs said...

You may attempt to bribe the crocodile, but be warned that he is quick to anger, and likely more interested interested in mauling you than material gain.

Jason said...

You sure? I know Dusty and he has always seemed more interested in alcohol gain (and grain alcohol) than anything else.

Franklin Stubbs said...

Perhaps it is best that Dusty not be the crocodile, then.

In a related note, I'll be proposing that the crocodile rule be implemented in La Liga as punishment for diving.

Jason said...

Can we get the crocodile rule implemented at the Juan Uribe's local Old Country Buffet as punishment for thirds?

Franklin Stubbs said...

I second the motion.

Franklin Stubbs said...

I can post "in-game" examples of the rules, if that would help, too.

Dusty Baker said...

Aw, man, I wanted to be the crocodile.

(cries)


[Get it?]

Franklin Stubbs said...

I see what you did there...

Neeebs * said...

One minute sounds a bit...quick.

I like the general concept.

Application may be lacking.

WTF, we give it a roll.

Dusty Baker said...

@Neeebs re: "One minute sounds a bit...quick."

That's what your mom always tells me! (cries)

Hideo Nomo said...

"SoSGSACBEWPCL!"

The W is silent.

Franklin Stubbs said...

@Neeebs

Timing, not trickery.

Also, I don't have all day to administer it, so there's that.

Fernie V said...

So I got fifty dollars that I read the rules wrong and I am mauled first.

Dusty Baker said...

My money is on FV's mauling.

Fred's Brim said...

I am drowning in the deep end already

Fred's Brim said...

me (plus some really stupid tattoos)

Orel said...

I sense chaos....

Spank said...

(cries)

MeanieBreanie said...

I thought this required minimum skill. I just hope I can block and pass to the right people.

Franklin Stubbs said...

Yeah, so I'm feeling the reader panic. When the schedule goes up later today, I'll post some examples. I think it will seem simpler.

Jason said...

Stubbs: Overestimating SoSG Reader competence levels since 2012

Franklin Stubbs said...

NPUT and update posted.