Colletti Loses Mind, Signs Chan Ho Park

And your first post-Joe Torre signing is...Chan Ho Park??? When we wrote about this back in July, we were kidding. Then we open up this morning's Korea Times and see that the Dodgers signed Park after all? Has Colletti lost his mind, or is he not in on the joke?

The 33-year-old South Korean said Thursday he signed a contract with the Los Angeles Dodgers, where he started his Major League career in 1994, and expected to join the team in spring camp.

Team 61, Park's domestic management agency, declined to reveal the terms of the deal, including whether it's a minor league contract or a split contract, which would provide Park a higher rate of pay if added to the Major League roster.

Park, in an entry in his Weblog, said his salary would be similar to a "rookie on the start."

"Dodgers Town is the spring camp venue where I first started my Major League dreams," Park said. "The terms of the contract are similar to a rookie on the start, but the important thing is that I will be able to play for a team that I always missed."

I can't say we missed Park all that much. Letting Park leave the Dodgers for the Rangers (were he was paid big money to compile a 22-23 record over the course of three and a half seasons) was one of the team's finest moves in the last decade. Park was once described (on a post-game show) as having "the heart of a butterfly", and it was true--any small sign of life from the opposing team's bats (like, say, a baserunner) and he would tend to completely crumble. Why we'd want to deal with this headcase again, I don't know.

Way to make a big post-Torre splash, Ned. What happened to the "Torre! Torii! Tori!" plan?

Hat tip, the ever-worldly 6-4-2.

Onion Zings Torre

Dodgers May Have Shot at Mike Lowell?

All I know is, according to the Red Sox parade in Boston, the team wants World Series MVP Mike Lowell to resign his post!

Guess they really want him out of Boston. Maybe the Dodgers can pick him up.

Hat tip, The Grammar Vandal. (By the way, shouldn't your subhead have a hyphen between "well" and "placed"?)

Overheard Yesterday at the Nail Salon

"It may be just me, but I think Joe Torre looked a lot slimmer when he was in pinstripes."

In Case You Need Help Visualizing a "Bidding War"

...The New York Times is here to help:

Miguel Cabrera. Miguel Cabrera! I Mean, Miguel Cabrera.

Jon Heyman at SI.com says Miguel Cabrera is "officially" available:

Florida will likely seek a package of three young players, including at least one or two top-tier talents for Cabrera, 24, who is eligible for free agency after the 2009 season.

Provided he can lay off the Ho-Ho's, Miguel Cabrera seems to make so much more sense than Alex Rodriguez (Cabrera is eight years younger than A-Rod). The question is, What package of three young players could the Dodgers offer?

Congratulations, Russell Martin, on the First of Your Many Gold Gloves

Maddux leads list for NL Gold Gloves: National League squad includes five first-timers as well (MLB.com)

photo by Ben Liebenberg/WireImage.com

Torre! Torii! Tori!

Ned Colletti, I have a simple, catchy, new jack swing catchphrase to guide you in this offseason. And the best news is, you're one-third of the way there already.

May I present to you the off-season's Dodger mandate:

Torre! Torii! Tori!

That's right. Getting Joe Torre was step one. Torre's addition was indeed a coup and we're psyched to have him and be done with Grady ball. But you're not done!

Step two involves getting a center fielder who can actually get on base every once in a while AND stop runners from taking extra bases. Torii Hunter is your man. He's two years older than Pierre, but unlike Pierre, Hunter hit above the league average for OBP the last three years, and he has some sock to his swing (.505 SLG for Hunter, relative to Pierre's anemic .353 SLG average). Pierre had 32 extra base hits last year. Hunter had 28 HR and 45 doubles (and a triple, to boot). Defensively, Pierre had five errors, while Hunter had only two (with more putouts). Adding Torre and shifting Pierre either to left field (or left out) would substantially upgrade our lineup. Andruw Jones would also be a nice catch--a term rarely mentioned in the same sentence as Pierre--but his name obviously doesn't work with our catchphrase.

Step three is wooing Tori Spelling to attend Dodger home games, preferably in the Dugout Club area. Why? Well, unlike resident Dodger nymphomaniac Alyssa Milano Tori Spelling isn't going to go sleep with half of the Dodger squad. She's married (second marriage, but still); she's hard up for cash (having inherited just $800K of her father's $300M estate), so she can't possibly spend all night carousing with the boys; and she is an ordained minister, clearly reflecting her moral righteousness. Plus, with a memoir on the way in the spring of next year, she will be looking for public relations opportunities to "be seen," so why not at Dodger games? If she becomes the (somewhat elongated) face of Dodger fandom, then perhaps we'll have a team that maintains its energy throughout the season and keeps its ballplaying on the field.

So there you have it, Ned and Frank: Torre! Torii! Tori! Get to work! (And no excuses from you Frank; I don't want to hear you mutter alternative contingencies "if I had no loot"--or you can new jack swing on my nuts.)

"I don't know my team, obviously," Torre said. "I've been in the American League for the past 12 years."

"What's next, Dodgers? Torre's hiring hardly solves all of team's problems" by Jon Weisman at SI.com

Torre photo by Dustin Snipes/Icon SMI
cheat sheet photo by Hariadhi/Wikipedia

Steve Phillips Explains It All

Tonight on ESPN News, I watched in awe as Steve Phillips took his analytical tools to insightfully break down the Dodgers' open needs for 2008:

• Add Miguel Cabrera or Alex Rodriguez at third base.
• Shift Juan Pierre to left and add Andruw Jones or Torii Hunter in center field.
• Add Johan Santana to the starting rotation.

Wait, is that all we have to do? F'n brilliant! Or to paraphrase Samuel L. Jackson, "You bringing A-Rod, Hunter, and Santana? Shit, that's all you had to say!"

In other news, apparently there is still hope for me to become a talking head on ESPN News.

Maddux Back with Padres

Sources: Maddux agrees to terms of one-year deal with Pads (ESPN.com)

McCourt Wedges His Way Into Torre Spotlight

It was a gloomy day here in LA today--which gave Dodger owner Frank McCourt even more reason to try and hog the spotlight that should have rightfully been squarely placed on Joe Torre. In today's Dodgers.com article, guess who was the only other person quoted in the piece? None other than Frank McCourt, who also does a pretty good job hogging the focus in the accompanying dodgers.com photo! (Ned Colletti, Vin Scully, and Brad Penny were also on hand for the Torre press conference, by the way--but apparently had no comments worthy of publication.)

"It has been far too long since Dodger fans have tasted the fruits of victory or Dodger players have raised a World Series trophy," Frank McCourt said. "We want to win, make no mistake about it, but we want to win the right way, with humility, pride and sportsmanship. Winning requires leadership and today we introduce a man who is a leader, a winner, no doubt a future Hall of Famer."

I am surprised that when McCourt referenced "tasting the fruits of victory," McCourt didn't take the opportunity to plug the Olmedo Saenz All-You-Can-Eat Pavilion (one of the McCourt era's few great ideas).

But I do wonder which attribute (humility, pride, and sportsmanship) is reflected in kicking Grady Little to the curb, then rolling his own chopper over him?

Ah, enough negativity, for now. Bring on Torre, and now bring on some real players!

photo: Matt Sayles/AP

Sports Illustrated to Change Name to "Boston Illustrated"

I remember back in the late 80s, when I was in high school, Los Angeles was the place to be and Boston was hated. Oh, so hated. Luckily, we had the Lakers and the Dodgers and it didn't really matter that the Celtics were rivals, since the Lakers usually prevailed.

Now that Boston has had an abundance of sporting riches on its hands, it has turned the last three issues of Sports Illustrated into nothing more than a Boston propaganda machine:

• November 5, 2007: Red Sox win the World Series. Red Sock Jonathan Papelbon jumps for joy with his hand on his head like he's doing a funky square dance move.
• October 29, 2007: Celtics lead the NBA preview, with Kevin Garnett, Paul Pierce, and Ray Allen looking smug.
• October 22, 2007: Tom Brady has the New England Patriots undefeated.

This is not to mention Papelbon kicking off the baseball playoffs with a cover on October 1, 2007. Maybe the New England Revolution will get the November 12 cover, after winning the first round of the MLS playoffs? At least Boston College lost this weekend, I suppose.

Now just watch as "chowdaheadz" takes over the google adsense ads on this page. Is there no end to the madness?

Sorry for yet another photoshop hackjob. Actually, no I'm not.

Great Start...Now, when's LA-Rod Getting Introduced?

And They Say Green Tea Is Good for Your Health

Popularity of Green Tea in L.A. to Skyrocket

Uncle Tommy's New Book

Amidst the turmoil of the Dodgers' Dog Days of Summer meltdown, apparently Uncle Tommy and his mouthpiece, err, "respected" Los Angeles Times columnist Bill Plaschke, managed to write a book entitled "I live for This" (funny how that's also MLB's slogan). Anyhow, Uncle Tommy and his sycophantic sidekick will be at Vroman's Bookstore in Pasadena next Wednesday for a book signing. Here's a prime opportunity to see whether Plaschke's lips are physically attached to Lasorda's posterior.

Something to While Away the Time Until the Joe Torre Press Conference

Pac-Txt: Pac-Man Meets Zork (via Kotaku and Digg)

Dodgers, Yankees Show History of Ponying Up

With everyone speculating a) who will spring for A-Rod and b) if the first of the 8 digits in his annual salary will reach '3' (BTW I also have an 8-digit salary - it's just that the first several digits are '0'), I thought I'd take a graphical look at mlb salary history.

The following data are plotted below from the period 1984 - 2007:

• Average mlb salary in nominal dollars
• Highest mlb salary in nominal dollars
• The average 1984 salary growing at the rate of inflation

(click graph to enlarge)

Shocking discovery: both the average and the highest mlb salary have grown far faster than the rate of inflation. Equally shocking: in 3 of the last 4 years, it was the Yankees paying out the highest salary.

Sarcasm aside, I was mildly intrigued to notice that during 4 of the 12 seasons ranging from 1989 to 2000, the Dodgers paid out the highest salary (to Orel Hershiser, Darryl Strawberry, Gary Sheffield, and Kevin Brown, chronologically). Does this mean we have any hope for A-Rod? Probably not, but it does mean we have a good chance of overpaying for someone else.

A-Rod in Dodger Blue Just Got a Whole Lot Unlikelier

From "Sources: Yankees more than $100M short of entertaining A-Rod" by Buster Olney at ESPN.com:

Before Alex Rodriguez opted out of his contract with the Yankees earlier this week, the team was told that it would not be able to meet with the third baseman unless it presented an offer of at least $350 million, sources say.

The Yankees had hoped to meet with Rodriguez this week, and would have presented him with an extension offer close to five years and $150 million, to begin at the conclusion of his 2008-2010 contract, through which he would have earned $81 million. Through the Yankees' proposal, then, Rodriguez would have made about $230 million over eight years, and during the last five years of the contract, sources say, he would have earned the highest annual salary in Major League Baseball history.

But team executives were told, sources say, that in order to arrange a meeting with Rodriguez, they would have to be prepared to make an extension offer that would take the third baseman's deal up to a total value of $350 million. That means that the offer the Yankees intended to propose would have been more than $100 million short.

UPDATE:

Most confusing paragraph ever:

The Mets, Dodgers, Angels, Giants and Marlins are among the teams which have not publicly ruled out pursuing Rodriguez. Sources say it is highly unlikely that the Dodgers will seriously entertain the possibility.

Seriously entertain the possibility of what? Pursuing A-Rod or ruling out pursuing him? I'm confused.

photo by Richard Corman/Sports Illustrated