The Onion Explores Ned's Softer, More Romantic Side

"I come to you today with no worldly possessions—save only my dreams. But to obtain the one you call Johan, I would happily toss a lasso 'round the moon and pull it down for you, or set a ladder amongst the stars and pluck them one by one from the night sky," Colletti shouted up to Twins GM Bill Smith, who stood on the balcony of the Opryland Hotel. "And should you not be satisfied with our package of the moon at night, the stars so bright, the sun that lights your days, and all that sparkles and shines in Heaven and on Earth, we may be willing to part with first baseman James Loney."