Carlos Z's Post Game Party

Carlos doing his best Charlie Brown mope-walk.

(Also featured on Arrested Development)

I for one miss old, rage-filled Carlos Z.

Game 85 Thread: July 8 vs. Cubbies, 7p

The first 15,000 kids 14 and under at tonight's game will receive an Andre Ethier action figure (not actual size).

Clayton Kershaw (8-4, 3.02) vs. Randy Wells (4-6, 4.67).

COMMENTS: The Dodgers head into their last series before the All-Star break having had a piss-poor April (9-14), a red-hot May (20-8) and a so-so June (14-13). They're an uninspiring 3-3 so far in July, but a visit by the 38-47 Cubs just might be the ticket to entering the break on a high note.

And if you're upset about the Dodgers mediocre play of late, just be glad that Carlos "Big Cra-Z" Zambrano isn't on our team. Guy's nuttier than a Payday sandwich! Add to that mess the offensive struggles of Derrek Lee and Aramis Ramirez, and we've got ourselves a party.

Sure, the Cubs just swept the Diamondbacks. And if Hiroki Kuroda seems to be losing some of his fabled consistency, maybe Kershaw can help pick up the slack. Game on!

With Ortiz Off My Radar, I Turn To...

Carlos Zambrano. Smasher of Gatorades and Catcher's Faces. Home Run Hitter. And sometimes, a pitcher too.

But not today. 1.1 IP 6H 8R 8ER. Giving him a first day ERA of...

For the sake of all catchers in Chicago, I hope he turns it around.

Separated at Birth

Hulk nemesis Abomination

Gatorade dispenser nemesis Carlos Zambrano

Big Z Reaches the Bradley Level

This just in: Carlos Zambrano hates Gatorade!

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Zambrano had another meltdown yesterday, and it received the Milton Bradley Angry Seal of Approval:

"That was pretty impressive," Chicago's Milton Bradley said of Zambrano's animated antics. "That was on a Bradley level." [...]

Zambrano threw a wild pitch on an 0-1 count, and [the Pirates' Nyjer] Morgan scampered home.

Cubs catcher Geovany Soto flipped the ball to Zambrano, covering at the plate, but Morgan appeared to sneak his left hand in¹. [Umpire Mark] Carlson called Morgan safe, but Zambrano disagreed². The pitcher and umpire went nose to nose, and they briefly bumped. Carlson tossed Zambrano³, and Zambrano did the same⁴, signaling that the umpire was ejected.

Cubs manager Lou Piniella and pitching coach Larry Rothschild ran onto the field, but too late. Zambrano hurled the baseball into left-center field, and then threw his glove⁵ as he stalked off the field.

"I was kind of disappointed," Chicago's Reed Johnson said of Zambrano's heave to the outfield. "I thought it was going to go up into the stands, but the wind was blowing in today."

In the dugout, Zambrano vented his frustration on a Gatorade vessel⁶. Again.

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By the way, the Cubs still won. The Dodgers are at Wrigley Field today but will miss Zambrano, after avoiding Johan Santana with the Mets last week. The Dodgers are playing well, but sometimes luck is a factor when you're 18 games over .500.

UPDATE:

Zambrano won't appeal 6-game penalty (ESPN.com)

photos 1-3 & 5 by Jonathan Daniel/Getty Images; photo 4 by Charles Rex Arbogast/AP; photo 6 from Big League Stew

Boffo vs. Da' Bums Week Four Preview - Break Out the TEES!

After the Dodger got its (base)balls handed to them by Shrek and the first week of Spider-Man, the Delino has opted for this weekened to be a special handicapped match. Not that the Cubs pitchers pose that much of a threat. Carlos Zambrano is two un-quality starts from becoming that rare commodity in baseball - an overpaid pitcher. Though he showed some signs of life last week, let's hope the chunky hurler keeps the Dodgers bats busy. Rich Hill is some young pitcher who nobody except his mother knows about, so I'll assume the Dodgers will put up zeros against him. Then there's Ted Lilly, who provided the only recorded fight in all of Canada last season. He's been amazing this season, as if he doesn't know he's a .500 lifetime hurler. One or two swings of the bat, and the Dodgers can easily remind him.

No, the reason for breaking out the Tee's this weekend is answered in two words. Jack Sparrow!

Pirates 3 is opening, and by Tuesday, expect god to ask the producers for a loan. Given, the film has gotten panned. But that did not stop Shrek or Spider-Man for making money web over fist. So for the only time this summer, I (the Delino) will throw many an asterisk into the Boffo standings and compare the Dodgers weekend run tally to the most profitable single day for Pirates 3. That still poses a challenge for both sides. Prediction: On one sea leg, Pirates still takes the box office booty.

Sidebar: I was at the video store, trying to rent Pirates 2, when I mistakenly took home the considerably pornier "Pirates" (pictured above). It took me three lesbian scenes to realize I had rented the wrong film. Not unlike when back in the 1990s, I had a small party and my friend brought over Fatal Instinct (the Basic Instinct parody, we thought). Three full watchings later, we returned it for a refund.

Carlos Zambrano Thinks Carlos Zambrano Should Get Paid, According to Carlos Zambrano

From "Zambrano says he'll walk if Cubs don't sign him" at ESPN.com:

Carlos Zambrano has issued an ultimatum to the Chicago Cubs -- sign me now, or say goodbye when the 2007 season is over.

"Whatever happens, I don't want to know [anything] about a contract during the season. I want to sign with the Cubs before the season starts," the Cubs' pitching ace said in an interview on WGN-TV. "If they don't sign me, sorry, but I must go. That's what Carlos Zambrano thinks."

He also thinks he should get paid -- a lot. Zambrano and the Cubs are currently due to go to salary arbitration Feb. 20, with Zambrano seeking $15.5 million and the Cubs offering $11.025 million....

"When you're a great pitcher and have talent, you deserve the money no matter who gives it to you," he said, according to the Tribune. "Zito is a great pitcher. Good for him he has that contract, and I think that will help me.

"[Cubs general manager] Jim [Hendry] spent a lot of money. I hope he has more for 'Big Z,' " he said, the newspaper reported.

Zambrano, who became the Cubs' staff ace when Kerry Wood and Mark Prior went down with injuries, went 16-7 with a 3.41 ERA in 2006. For his career he's 64- 42 with a 3.29 ERA in 977 innings.

You know, I'd be curious to see what Carlos Zambrano makes of all this.

UPDATE: Jim Hendry isn't panicking.

UPDATE: "I said that? I never said that."