Tuesday, October 26, 2010

The Five Types of Players That Will Get You to the World Series

Not only are the Yankees (2010 opening day payroll: $213 million) and Phillies ($138M) not going to the World Series, they played so poorly they never even came within sniffing distance. Instead, the Rangers ($65M) and Giants ($96M) are taking the main stage, and despite their relative thriftiness (although Giants benchwarmers Barry Zito and Aaron Rowand are owed a collective $186M), it's not just grit and clutchiness that's getting them through. It's character! Specifically, it's a group of characters like these:

RangersGiants
THE FAT GUY
Bengie Molina
Pablo Sandoval
honorable mention: Juan Uribe
THE HAIR GUY
Elvis Andrus
Tim Lincecum
THE JESUS GUY
Josh Hamilton
Brian Wilson
THE ROOKIE PHENOM GUY
Neftali Feliz
Buster Posey
THE MIDDLE FINGER TO SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA TEAMS GUY
Vladimir Guerrero
Guillermo Mota

AP photos: Feliz, Guerrero, Hamilton, Lincecum, Posey, Sandoval, Wilson; Getty photos: Andrus, Molina, Mota; payroll figures from Cot's Baseball Contracts

28 comments:

Steve Sax said...

Wait, what about the Native American and the construction worker?

Fred's Brim said...

my surl is rising reading this

Dusty Baker said...

Excelelnt points. WS team composition is as predictable as the composition of a company in a World War II movie.

I wonder how one would would characterize the SoSG readership "team"?

Mr. Customer said...

@Dusty

Tough question, because there can only be one drunk guy.

karina said...

I just read something and I had to come here, to find solace from my own hate, per UsaToday:

http://usat.ly/aemYHa

worst offender:

"The Rangers have the claw and antlers. Can the Giants keep up with just the beard?

Well, there is the rally thong. You might want to spare yourself the visuals, but first baseman Aubrey Huff began wearing a red, rhinestone-encrusted thong in late August, and the Giants are 26-13 since. A box of them showed up in the Giants clubhouse this week."

karina said...

So, guys with names of Aubrey, Madison and Panda are going to wear embellished red thongs in the World Series. I didn't know strippers could play professional baseball :(

I hate the Giants and I'm going to hell for it :(

Mr. Customer said...

Well, at least you'll have good company, then.

Mr. Customer said...

In tangentially related news, can we expect a reprieve from the Accuscore widget this offseason?

Maybe it's a Mr. C thing, but seeing that 80-82 and 0% playoff probability day after day gets my drawers all twisted up.

Fred's Brim said...

Jason Giambi wore that gold thong while with the Yanks a few years back. It worked well for a while but then the roids really wore off and he was back to being Jeremy Giambi

Steve Sax said...

accuscore widget is gone. thanks; nice call mr c.

Alex Cora said...

The middle finger to SoCal should be Cody Ross on the Giants. Ever since he left LA, he has been a Dodger killer - even when he isn't playing the Dodgers!

Mr. Customer said...

*unbunches drawers*

Steve Sax said...

oyster pubes looks like a horror movie still in that picture.

Mr. Customer said...

^or bukakke.

Just sayin'...

MR. F said...

LOL Mr. C.

Mr. Customer said...

@MR. F

*shudders*

MR. F said...

I read the comments before I saw the picture.

Mr. Customer said...

@MR. F

Can't be unseen, now...

karina said...

@Mr C 8:39 AM company in hell or hate?

;)

Mr. Customer said...

@karina

Yes.

karina said...

@Mr C *sigh* I had hope we had some sort of redemption

Steve Sax said...

@Mr C 11:40a: I have a friend who writes for Bill Maher and he said the writers said this was the caption of the year (go to 1:34).

Mr. Customer said...

@Sax

Bwahahaha! The fact that it's a stretch makes it even funnier.

Steve Sax said...

exactly what was stretched?

oh wait, don't answer that.

Mr. Customer said...

Oh, dear...

Dusty Baker said...

Oh lord. This thread got Scooby Doo'd for me, then when I returned I expected an embarrassing expose' on what persona most embodied each regular reader, and that I'd draw the shit end of the stick, appropriately. However, I see that Mr C took the thread in an entirely different and unexpected direction. MB, why doesn't he get the proverbial backhand through the Internet from you?

Mr. Customer said...

@DB

Oh, I'm sure it's coming. Speaking of Scooby-doo threads, I initially thought your "Kleenex" comment might be in reference to this thread and had a bit of a laugh when I realized the truth.

But I'm sick that way.

Dusty Baker said...

I intentionally made the Kleenex comment ambiguous, as there are at least two uses one might have for such a product.